July 7, 2015

I remember when my English Comp I instructor made us journal online while we were in class so we could be better writers.  It didn’t matter when or where we wrote as long as we met the deadline.

Right now I am listening to my Journey live in Houston CD track number 12 is Don’t stop believing.  Maybe I should make that a goal to not stop believing. It was really easy when I was young. Now Blossom is all about believing and I honestly don’t know what to do. I know I can’t live without her but I know it’s really hard to live with her, living the way we are. I want to be with her. I want to have more kids with her.

I’m not going to beat my self up entirely today. I did have a wishful thinking moment earlier.  when I woke up from my nap. Blossom gets in these relationships and half way into them she finds something that frustrates her. After that it all goes downwards from there. So I’m not thinking it’s not going to work out because I love her it’s not going to work out because it’s not a serious relationship. Now I’m listening to Stone in Love and I’m smiling. She’s doing the type of thing Tina did to Bette in the L word after Bette cheated on her. Tough love tough love.  Us alpha’s we are strongest when we are most strongest but we are the most compassionate lovers. Our partners are EVIL! You don’t piss them off.

Now moving on to I suppose stuff I should be journaling about. Today I went to my first Over-eaters anonymous meeting. It was awesome! I met some new people. The people I met are LGBT friendly. That’s really important to me after what happened at the Pentecostal church. I know I needed some sort of something to help support my progression. They are smart people and I enjoy being a part of the group.

Today we talked about humility. And I really learned alot. Humility is basically about accepting who you are and not trying to be any different. When I was in the hospital I felt on top of the world. I was around nothing but love and here at home I’m by myself. I know I asked for that and I need it. I still had cravings to over eat and I really don’t want to try to rationalize why. I am going to see a therapist on Thursday.

Speaking of being in the hospital, every morning we made a goal for that day. I’m still doing that. Today my goals were to contact my trainer and make an appointment. Go to the OA meeting, not contact Blossom and finish my book.. I wish I could stop myself from thinking about her but that I believe will never happen. Everything is finished. And so far I haven’t contacted her. Today I have no desire to.

I’m excited for tomorrow there’s a meeting at the library Rebecca said she’s going to.  I want to go swimming tomorrow. I’m so tired from bike riding.

As I was reading my book today I realized that I was getting hungry as I was reading. It’s a book about overcoming drug addiction. I’ve never been addicted to heroin just alcohol which will definitely come out in the book I’m writing which I have to schedule time to do that as well. As I’m reading this book I feel absolutely horrible about how I’ve allowed my life to become so out of control. I have always been a silly person and lived day to day based on however I felt. My job at Whataburger and Papa Johns were fun jobs. But then I met Blossom and things required seriousness and responsibility. I don’t think I ever gave it that. I’ve always been focused on playing the game and winning her over.

I never allowed myself to hurt. I just found drinking buddies or people to smoke with. I suppose I did start hurting in the end. I remember my house smelling like someone had died. I kept it clean for the most part. I showered. I was just depressed. I’m starting to feel really bad just remembering those times.

I came to N.Y. to fix that and I’m going to keep working on it. I made it too the top of the hill today!

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