“FOREVER CONFLICTED (SO HELP ME, GOD!)”

What have I been doing lately? This is still Ramadan, thankfully. However, time flies. Soon Ramadan is leaving again. I don’t know if I’ll ever get that same luck again catching up with Ramadan…at least one more time…

And I haven’t done (good) enough with my prayers. I guess I never will, no matter how hard I try. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s more of the uncertainty. It’s not the confidence issue.

We can never be too sure. In fact, feeling overly confident about this may get us in trouble. We may slip and fall, because we’re not careful. Never let our guard down, no matter what.

We’re only human, after all.

I’ve finished reading Jeffery Deaver’s “XO”. I’ll probably start with something else soon.

I’m still teaching English every Saturday at the same place and working on my writing career. Let’s hope my financial situation improves after Eid this year.

L has been tugging the strings of Hazel Eyes’ heart lately. They’ve been interacting with each other much more intensely. I can see it slowly happening.

They’re into each other. (Infatuation? Love?) There are problems, though. Hazel Eyes still isn’t sure that L is as serious as he is about this. How do I know Hazel Eyes is? Come on, he’s my best friend! He can’t stop talking about L. There’s this familiar light in his eyes. I’ve seen it before. It’s all too obvious.

Falling in love? He’s on the verge of, but at the same time afraid. What if L doesn’t feel as strong as he does and instead treating this as just a game? (How dare he if he did!) What if he does, but is also afraid?

Hazel Eyes has even given him my first novel (autographed by me, of course – by his request). The rest? We shall see…

Many people have been curious about my opinion regarding the latest, (considered) most controversial issue in The States lately. I’ve seen rainbows, but…probably, for the first time lately – I choose not to say a thing about it publicly.

I know I’m friends with them, but I also remember my religion. If I say I approve, I’m not sure what God thinks of me. I’ve seen people condemn each other – from both sides – especially on social media, and it just…hurts. It makes me want to cry sometimes. (Yes, I’m at this stage where I no longer care if people think I’m overly sensitive or such a cry-baby!)

If I say I disapprove, I’m afraid of hurting their feelings. Perhaps my opinion doesn’t really count here, either way. But, like I’ve just said – I’m friends with them. They’ve been really good to me. Some have helped me a lot. Even Hazel Eyes is already like a sweet big brother to me. I love him so much.

Let’s just put it this way:

There are many things in this world that I disagree with and disapprove of but also can’t control, okay? I can only do my part from here, the best way I only know how. I try not to judge. I simply mind my own business. Even if I have to remind people of the afterlife risks they’re bound to take, I only do it once…and gently. After that, it’s all up to them. Socially, I still get along with them.

Perhaps I’m forever conflicted. So help me God…

R.

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