“It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time”

I want to want to recover. I want to want it as bad as I want to hang onto parts of the eating disorder. And it is so frustrating because I just don’t feel that way. How can you make yourself feel something?

I think part of the problem is that I have no incentive. I’m not naive, I saw what happened to the other girls in treatment – the feeding tubes and wheelchairs. But I was doing the same things as them and it didn’t happen to me. I’ll take this moment to point out that I don’t feel like this makes me better than them. Quite the opposite in fact. I wonder what’s wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough to get to that point. Despite the fact that I would not want those repercussions. Please, don’t try to wrap your head around that. I understand how irrational it is. The bottom line is that it happened to them and not me. I don’t believe that it will happen to me. I don’t think my body is able to get to that point. Which makes me ashamed, but also gives me no motivation to stop. I don’t feel that I was ever in any real danger or that it would get to that point. Furthermore, I was able to function with my ED and live my life for almost a year. So I do not think I have to choose between law school and the disorder. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. Not if I can figure out the right balance.

Like I said, I want to want to get better.  But even if I can’t figure out how to do that, I think I can handle it.


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