July 8 2015

What a day!

I feel so horrible about being so fat! Good news is I know I can’t work around it I have to work at it. I still feel like I want to make it better by looking good and having nice things. I want a nice place to live and a nice car to drive. But steps. Take one step at a time. This pay check will be used for bills. Next week I would like to get my permit and start buying Evan some birthday presents.

There will be days like today when you have no plan you just know what you want to do.  Then you get frustrated when absolutely nothing goes right. You find yourself curled up on your bed in fetal position holding on to someone’s shirt. 

Well I am happy that I walked around today. 

I wanted to bike ride to the library that is two towns over and attend a meeting my nurse invited me too. I realized I didn’t have a lock to the bike and didn’t want to risk leaving it outside.  I bought the lock to the bike and rode the bus to the library. The meeting was canceled. No bike riding today. 

Had I not freaked out about this small little thing I could have rode my bike out and back by noon then got on the bus to take care of my errands and still check out this meeting. 

I don’t know if my decision to not go to this one on Wednesday’s was associated with the events of the day or just seriously I know how I am when I have too much stuff crammed in.  I have a support group on Tuesday and therapy on Thursday and Friday. Then tomorrow I may be given another support group to attend in conjunction with my DBT therapy. Tuesday’s is for my physical therapy.

Now it’s very clear and spelled out that  I am a bit overwhelmed. My bed still needs to be made. Today I wanted to spend time and organize my room. I really feel like going to sleep and waking up on the right side of the bed.  My lovely nurse did suggest rest.

Blossom always suggested I take naps too. I remember our afternoon naps. Of course she never woke up. She’d sleep the whole night and still be bummed out that she had to wake up for work the next day. My GOD  I love her! Good news is she’s in the back of my mind. I really am curious to see how everything will play out now. I had an interesting conversation with my friend last night and it was nice how she understood what I was saying even though she didn’t know who I was talking about and I neither am I stating it in this journal. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to the universe to prove me wrong.  

However, on the home front I have to tell me therapist that my biggest problem is coping with stress.  Every day this week I wrote about everything that I am worried about. I must have spent an hour already writing about things that stress me out. That scares me. I’m cleaning myself up so I can be a better person and it’s freaking me out. That’s why I suppose I never chose to be responsible. It was too much work. I was never cut out to be responsible to have nice things and care for them and what a lovely book I’ll have written when I explain and emphasize why and how that’s always been like that for me. 

Another thing that’s been on my mind is that I believe I over ate last night and may have went off my eating plan today. I haven’t read those materials from OA yesterday yet. Last night I ate more chicken than what was on my plate and I got into those chocolate things my dad bought for the kids. I sat in front of the TV and ate them and smiled like a happy kid. I had a small cup of chocolate milk with it. I figured it wasn’t worth beating myself up over since I worked out yesterday and was dedicated to doing the same today. I have only worked out once this week.  September will be here in no time at all. I have got to hustle.

Money has been good. Bills are getting paid. I’ve been fantasizing about having nice things when I go see Blossom and Evan in September. I caught myself and shook it off. We would both get really disappointed if I spent alot of money on crap I didn’t need.

I’m starting to mediate myself on pain pills again. We have a stash of hydrocodone in the house. 

Work is starting to get better. I met my production goals every day this week! Yay!! 

 I can probably still attend those meetings on Wednesday now that I have a bike lock. So I think now I’m just going to make my bed and crawl into it.  I do want to watch the first episode of  Chicago Code. I love me some Jennifer Beals! There is still time to work on my room tonight. I can even ask for advice.

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