flake

I have a big decision to make.

And for the past year I’ve been going back and forth on what I should do.  To break up and explore other possibilities, or to stay together and forget about the inkling in the back of my mind; put all my focus on finding happiness together.

The thing is, I thought I’ve made the decision a few times now. I was sure I decided on sucking it up and moving forward with this relationship. Back in August, when he moved home temporarily for work after being on EI forever. I thought that this was one of the main issue making me question our relationship, and we nearly broke up over it. Instead, we had a good talk about what we both needed to be happy. I needed him to have a job that at the very least he didn’t hate, and that I could help support him in and be proud of him. He has found a job like that, and for awhile I did feel a lot happier with us.

But the little feeling resurfaced. I considered so many reasons why I’m still feeling uneasy, at times, about us.  There have been insecurity issues that have come up on his part, usually after he’s been drinking, that make me question us. But usually they are resolved with him apologizing and us moving forward. Then there’s him needing more on the physical/intimacy aspect of our relationship, and I think that maybe part of the reason I make excuses to be intimate is that A) I have been questioning us, and B) we have been together for 4+ years and I think it’s normal for relationships to be less “exciting” over time.

This is also his first serious relationship. And he is a year younger than me. I’m no pro either, I have only had one other serious year-long relationship before that, along with a few shorter relationships. But I feel like I learned from those some of the things to expect from relationships in general, as well as things I don’t want from relationships, and things I do.

And then I question myself on whether I am just making excuses because I’m scared of commitment. Maybe he is the one for me, and I should know that relationships have to be worked on and aren’t always perfect.  Maybe I need to try harder to give myself more to him.  Sometimes I feel that I’m being selfish and even conceited in thinking that there might be someone that is a better fit for me out there.

But breaking up is terrifying. I have never broken up with anyone. Even when I was sure that’s what I wanted before, and we were having that conversation, I couldn’t bare breaking his heart. I couldn’t handle seeing him so upset and knowing that I was the cause. Thinking about it now is making me feel sick… and when I feel like this, I go back to the things that I am happy about in our relationship:

I am very content in our day-to-day lives. I love our apartment, we have similar interests in regards to traveling and things to do on weekends (camping, going to lakes, exploring new beaches).  He is thoughtful and leaves me sweet notes on occasion, he makes me laugh and loves to love me.  He is very tidy, likes a clean house and will fix problems around the house when they bother him. We want the same things in a few years; a small property with a yard, a dog, a child or two. He can be good with money when he really wants something. He supports me and my career for the most part.

And aren’t people supposed to break-up when things aren’t good? When some of these things are lacking?

I just can’t brush off that stupid little feeling. Sometimes it is so so miniscule that it is manageable, that I think I could live with it forever. But other times, like last night, it completely takes over my mind and I don’t have any other option. I work out mini-plans about how I would carry it out and where I would go as we both let it sink in. About how we would work out our living situations, our winter trip, the car.

About the little moments that have come together to make me question us. Like him not wanting to come see my classroom for the first time, for only 5 minutes, when we were in the area because he wanted to get to the lake. Or how he still doesn’t have his license, after promising he would get it. Or that time he made a big scene over a guy talking to me at the bar. Or that time he stubbornly left the bar after I wouldn’t drive him home after coming to watch my volleyball as I wanted to stay for another little bit to have a drink with teammates, and then he called me from outside and ask me for cab money. Or that time he got weirdly jealous of me spending time with my best friend when she was in town. Or how he didn’t think to offer our bed to my pregnant best friend when she came to visit, and instead made her sleep on the floor foamy. Or when we are having an argument and he brings up how I have no friends, or am boring. Or how he doesn’t want to come see my friend’s new place for a few minutes, even though he asks if we can hang out with my friends more often. Or just the simple fact that he’s so talented at so many things and is capable of going far in a career of some sort, but has no motivation to try different things, that he is afraid of failure.

And then I wake up and that feeling that things aren’t quite right has retreated back to a tiny dark corner of my mind and I think to myself “nah, I can do this”.

And maybe it’s because I’m old, or rather, getting older. Being single again does sort of scare me. And that life we have been planning together…. that would just go out the window.

 

But maybe breaking up is what we both need to realize that we need each other after all?

 

Or maybe it means that I will realize that I do in fact want to be with him, but he might realize he doesn’t want to be with me.

 

And no matter what the outcome if we do break up, the initial heart-break, for both of us, will feel unbearable.

 

Help.

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