Im A Mess

Life has been hard lately not even gonna lie. The pressure to make enough money to be able to pay for housing, and trying to figure out my tuition for college and how much thats gonna cost. I have to work so incredibly hard and it becomes exhausting sometimes. Sometimes I just have to cry to myself. On top of the stress of all that, there is family. Living with my grandparents honestly has made me appreciate having a mother and the things that she does for me. Crying, missing her, and feeling bad that she is in such a bad relationship with my father but can’t leave him because she loves her kids too much to let them grow up in a broken home. The stress of money has really gotten to her and its hard having no one to rely on if I can’t end up doing this on my own. I wish that there was something I could do but it just seems like everything that could go wrong in their life, just happens. Like with my dads car, and with Connor and his medical problems, and three kids that she has to help with sport fees and activity fees. As well as a daughter who messed up with modeling and now she literally has to pay the price. I wish there was more that I could do but paying my tithing and having a lot of faith that things will work out, that putting my faith in my heavenly father, will turn out in my favor. I have so much I still need to work on with myself. For instance, this repentance process is hard. moving from bishop to bishop wondering how long until i can take the sacrament, or go to the temple again, or knowing if I’m ever gonna be able to serve a mission. AHH! there is so much to say and to vent and that I feel. Its hard not even having a boyfriend anymore. The man that I was gonna marry but gave up so i could serve the Lord and follow the promptings so that i could do what he wants me to do in this lifetime. I just want to be loved again. Held and kissed. Had someone that I could go to, to cry. That could fill this void in my heart and I know that I always have a boyfriend and I’m boy crazy, but you can’t deny that it doesn’t feel good. And Eric really was the best. He showed me qualities that i want in a husband and he helped me through another really hard part in my life. No matter how much that relationship wasn’t perfect, i can’t help but hope that we will still find our way back to each other again when the time is right. Because i love him. And I’m not ready to find someone nor do i think there is a more perfect match. Besides what other people think.

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