Kinda sucks

I thought things would be kind of different when Alex came home, but things are the same. I’m happy he’s home but we always have to run away and stuff and we can never stay at home and relax. It kills me. I haven’t said anything to him because it’s not worth fighting about anymore. I also can’t say anything about him getting alcohol cause even if I told him I don’t want him to drink it, he’d do it anyways but behind my back. There are a lot of reasons I just am not bothering with him about anything anymore. I know if I do he won’t really care or listen, that’s why I been so quiet. Haven’t really talked. I love him so much but nothing has changed. I thought once he came home we would be a family again and a married couple, but I realized it’s going to be the same, he is going to want to go out every night, and on the weekends when I like to just relax and watch movies with him he will want to go out and smoke with friends and maybe even drink. I’m just wondering if this relationship is for me? I don’t know if it is. I’m so confused I don’t really know what to do. I’m so numb I can’t even feel the emotional pain anymore. Maybe I stopped caring, or maybe I’m just so used to it, what I’m talking about right now is Alexes ways. I want a husband who wants to settle down with me, have a family and be a husband and father. It just seems like Alex can’t be that man. He seems to just want to party and be with friends all the time. God it hurts so much I wish he could just be that guy, because I’m so in love with him, but it’s slowly fading away, painfully too. I just don’t think he will ever change. That sucks. I wish I was home right now in my own bed and Caleb in his own crib. But we are stuck at his parents house because it’s raining and his car doesn’t close all the way from a small accident he was in. It really sucks I really just want to be home right now. Who knows when it’s going to stop raining. If I could id cry right now, but his siblings are around. I know a lot of people don’t believe in god but I do. I will always pray and ask him to help me with all these struggles I face, I ask him to make me feel better, and make me be able to live without Alex in my life. I did it for about 3 weeks I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to do it forever. Maybe I’ll find a nice guy who will understand me and will care about me before his car or smoking. We have no money at all, I feel bad because I can’t get anything nice for my son. I can’t get food for myself, I only can get stuff on the wic checks. And whatever my parents buy. I wish I wasn’t so depressed. I wish I could run away sometimes, and other times I ¬†wish I can lay in bed all day. I’m so tired right now. That and extremely depressed. I just want happiness and a man that will take care of me and my son, someone who will want a family and not smoke or drink. I’m still yet to find that person. Hopefully one day, but for now I need to figure out if I want to stay in this relationship or not. It doesn’t really seem to be working out so far. I just don’t know anymore

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