Wanting to be around everyone and not be a reciprocal

It sucks being me. Like it really does. The main reason why it does is because even thought I am alone a lot of the time, I definitely prefer to be around the company of others. I guess you can only be lonely for so long.

What really sucks about the whole thing is what you crave the most is never what you get. I crave to be around other humans. But other humans never seem to want to be around me. And then when I become more and more socially awkward and more depressed, they just scratch their heads and wonder why someone like me doesn’t have too many friends. Maybe it’s because people like you never gave me a shot to become something more than waht I am even though I gave you multiple signs that I wanted to be something more than the awkward shell of a 20 year old man that I am. 

Is giving someone the benefit of the doubt really that painful or is it that I am that good at screwing up every single form of companionship that I ever recieve. Maybe that’s just it. 

I have to just cut all my ties to the person that I used to be. That’s really it. Maybe there’s a reason the person that I used to be wasn’t popular in high school and never really went to any social functions. Maybe I just gotta move on and become something much better than I used to be. 

I mean let’s face it. The person that I used to be was the idiot that got expelled from a high school and would get drunk before class. The person that I used to be would stalk girls for no reason at all. The person I used to be would always have to be fucked up on Tramadol and Aderall in order to even half function in a classroom.

From now on, I am cutting all the ties to the person that I used to be. I am gonna work harder and harder to be better than the guy that I was before. The guy that I was before didn’t work as a fucntioning member in modern society. Nobody ever talked to the guy that I used to be. But all of that can and will change.

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