I guess the first step of every new life journey is to let go of inhibition and fear. So this is my attempt.
I am starting a journal that I will attempt to write in every day. The hope is to give you a little more insight into who I am, and hopefully find some healing within these words.
I’m in a relationship that is completely new. We have been seeing each other for almost a month now, and it is like a breath of fresh air, literally and figuratively. My relationship with him is so easy. We just seem to understand one another. He see’s right into my soul, and that makes it so much easier. I’m so used to having to hide my emotions because they are only safe with me. But he just seems to know. A touch of my hand, looking into my eyes…and he already knows everything that is going on in my mind. Unfortunately, I am the same way with him. I can feel it as soon as his mood shifts. Its like being hit with a tidal wave. All the pain and hurt and anger…it rolls over me, and all I want to do is make it better for him. Sometimes being an empath sucks. I just wish that he would tell me what is bothering him instead of trying to deal with it on his own.
Other than that, I seriously have not come across anything in our relationship that I can’t handle or don’t like. He is so kind and comforting to me. Its only been about 3 weeks and I already feel more at home in his apartment than I do in my own, where all my belongings are. The scary part is that I promised myself that I wasn’t going to do this again. That I wasn’t going to fall helplessly without a chute. And that I wasn’t going to start thinking about a future with someone because I have let myself down too many times because of it. But I can’t help it. I’ve fallen completely.
I worry that the mistakes of people from my past are going to affect my future relationships. That all the lies and indiscretions from Ty are going to make me suspicious with John. That the weaning love and affection that I got from Ty is going to make me paranoid the instant something changes with me and John. I talked with him about it last night, and he told me he understand, but it will only affect our relationship if I let it. He has a point, but its easier said than done. There is only so many times that a person can be burned before they start being afraid of fire.
John brings out the best in me, in so many ways. He takes me out in nature…he challenges my beliefs and values. He makes me want to be a better person. Its only been three weeks, but I’m seriously wondering; could this be the one? And that statement alone scares me. I’m dancing my way to divorce and this knight in leather rides up on his Harley and sweeps me off my feet. Could it all be too much? Could my sense of reality be clouded? Or have I finally found the person who deserves me, and I am allowed to not have a back up plan for once….
My whole life has been about back up plans and bug out bags. Being ready to go at the drop of a dime because my world is always being ripped out from underneath of me at a moments notice. And never in just the simple ways, like bank account is over drafted. Its the kind of ways that make you seriously re-examine your priorities and life one bit at a time. It would be nice to have some kind of stability for the first time…but its gonna take a long time for me to believe it. And will he stay around long enough to fix me??
I have that saying. I don’t need anyone to fix me. I need someone who will be there to encourage me to fix myself, and hand me the band aides every once in a while.
Either way…this is what’s happening. Time for bed now