The past few days

have been hell for me!! I’m so off schedule, haven’t taken my meds in almost 4 days. And it’s important I take my medicine, I have. Severe anxiety, depression and mood disorder. It’s all cause my husband wants to screw around and do things his way. We slept over his parents house for 2 nights. They haven’t been here only me him Caleb and his brother. It’s annoying because I like to sleep in my own bed every night and Caleb likes to be in his own bed every night too! I like to do things in a certain way everyday. I like to be able to put Caleb down for bed and I either shower or go get something to eat and watch tv in bed, then play on my phone for a while then fall asleep. Then I wake up when Caleb does in the morning and we have breakfast then we play with his toys and watch tv in the living room. I don’t mind switching things up during the day, but when it’s at night I can’t do it. So tonight we are finally going home. Even though it’s 12 35 am at least we are going home. Caleb’s asleep right now but once we are leaving we will wake him up put him in his car seat  head home and put him to bed and we can go to bed! I am so excited it’s so weird. Who gets excited to sleep in their own bed? I guess me. Alex has been an asshole the past couples days he’s been back. I really do question our relationship. I like to know if I’m going to be with someone forever until the end of time, not wonder if it’ll work out or not. That’s how it is with me and Alex. I don’t know if we will stay together or not. I don’t know what will happen. With the way things are going now it’s not looking so good. If only he could just stop drinking every night and just forget about alcohol we’d be in a better place. If he wasn’t so selfish we would be happier too. I miss the days when I didn’t get scared someone would get mad at me. My ex bf never yelled at me. He may have gotten mad at me but he would never raise his voice at me or call me names, he did worse, he would ignore me when he was upset with me. He just shut me out. At the time I was with him I really had strong feelings for him I thought we’d stay together for a while. But no he broke up with me because he couldn’t handle me. Figures. Sometimes I wish Alex wasn’t a guy who yelled. I want to be with someone who is calm when they are mad. Like my dad when he’s mad he’s very calm, it takes a lot for him to raise his voice and I only heard him raise his voice maybe twice since I was a kid. I already went through all different kinds of abuse in my first actual relationship. Emotional abuse, physical abuse. I can’t handle another relationship like that. Alex has never laid a hand on me, but he has called me named and yelled at me. And that I don’t like. A real man doesn’t yell at his wife the way he yells at me. Or calls them names. He’s apologized but you can’t take back the words you said. They still stick around and they hurt so bad. I love Alex with all my heart but I don’t know what is going to happen with us.

3 thoughts on “The past few days”

  1. Sometimes we put up with a lot because we may think,who else will love us? We endure all manners of abuse and may sometimes feel that we deserve it.

    But, you deserve better. Someone out there will live you and respect you. You may have a disorder but please dont stop your medication,think of your little one. Your world will come crashing down without it. What makes you well,keeps you well. I have depression bigtime when im off antidepresants.

    A routine definately helps keep the mind together.
    I hope it comes together for you. I will be around if you need to write and chat. Take care.

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