Today was a productive day, despite feeling rather sick for the majority of the time. I was at work from 730 until almost 2pm. I got my nails and eyebrows done right after, which is the only real thing I do to pamper myself. When I got home from that, I talked on the phone with John for a little while and then Ty came home. Apparently he called out today and was going to go to Feel Me Breathe with Ashley. This kind of hit me hard. While he and I have been broken up for about 2 months, this is the first time that he has made steps to moving on. I think the only reason it upset me was because he and I started in a D/s relationship before we even dated. I always thought that we would at least have that if everything else failed. I still kind of feel like that something I did ruined everything, but as I discussed with John earlier, I have this irrational way of thinking that always makes me feel guilty.
I did my hair, and I think it came out great. It really suits my personality. Thats why I like changing my hair so often, because I think that keeping it one style or color doesn’t portray my personality good enough. But its done now.
John and I had a long (and semi serious) conversation today about our relationship and our ever growing “contract”. Its actually really sweet that we are doing this even though it started out as a joke. It feels easier for me to talk about the tough stuff in that way. I know that I love him, and I feel us getting closer. But I still feel a wall up…I still feel like I am holding back and protecting myself. I am not really sure if I know how to tear it down, or if I want to yet. I’m so scared to be hurt again.
He had another one of his moments that he calls “envy attacks” tonight. He said that he read a few fetishes on my fetlife that made him not like himself. I don’t know what it could possibly be. But it makes me feel so terrible when he goes through those moments. Like I’m not good enough to help him through his fears and body issues, or that I am somehow causing them. But he tells me I am not. Do I trust what he is saying? God, I wish relationships came easy to me.
I am supposed to be going to him tomorrow to spend 2 nights. I am very excited. When we spend time together, I feel so refreshed and recharged. This whole experience is so new to me. I hope I can keep it together well enough for it to last.
Anyway, enough for now.
**It’s a little too loud on the highway…I wanna pull up in your driveway…its way too quiet at my place. I wanna come on over. I just wanna hear that ringtone..I like to turn it up when you’re blowing up my phone. I just wanna hear you tell me to come on over. Cause when you tell me to come on over, I like the sound of that…**