Confusion and Hell

Willpower is a strange thing. It’s a sign of strength, which I yearn for. But when I exert my willpower, it leaves me  feeling awful and weak.

I just picked up a prescription from CVS. Sitting there, behind the pharamacy counter, were the diet pills that I know work so well. My going away party is in 5 days and my mother thought it best to throw a pool party. I’ve been having a good few days, behavior-wise, but I have not been eating healthy. It took everything in me to walk out of the store without those pills. Without my guaranteed, quick fix, trusted solution. But I did it.

I showed supreme willpower. I should feel stronger than ever. But I don’t. I feel exposed and hopeless. Then again, maybe that’s what the start of recovery feels like. Confusion mixed with an overwhelming sense of hell.

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