I am so stressed out lately. I hate it so much because for some reason the stress brings back memories I try so hard to forget. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and I know that none of it really matters now, but they still haunt me. I think a lot of it is the fear that my girls will go on to make the same mistakes. I think some of it is because I am still not truly happy or satisfied with my life. Something is missing from my marriage, and I’m pretty sure it’s true love. I do love my husband, but he doesn’t make me feel loved. When I think about it, it is even more draining because I know I am not providing my girls with an example of what to look for in life. I want it to be real, but it seems no matter how hard I try it just isn’t working. He can be so selfish and hurtful. I am by no means perfect, but I do my best whenever possible. My birthday this year really got to me. Not even a card. No happy birthday at midnight, barely one the next day. Kept asking what I wanted to do, why should I have to make decisions even on my birthday?! My life revolves around making the right decisions for our whole family. I have so much responsibility I am drowning. I want to be taken care of. I want to be able to relax every now and then and know that the weight of the world isn’t on my shoulders every time I turn around. He doesn’t have a clue.
I have my own problems, and I can’t seem to fix them and everyone else’s too. Sometimes I wonder if I should just tell him to leave. But the thought of being alone is horrifying. I want to be loved so badly that I don’t even feel like I could trust myself to make any better decisions with a future relationship. Why can’t he just show some initiative and take some responsibility for the state of our marriage? Why do I always have to find the answers? It means nothing when he just acts out the part I give him, it’s almost even more insulting than doing nothing at all. There is a part of me deep down says that it would be a mistake to end it. I’m not sure if that means ever, or just right now. I am floating through life, and I don’t know when my feet will touch the ground.
I try not to compare my actions to his. But when I do, it’s so hard to not feel like this relationship is one sided. He is a puppet, he conforms to whatever I say is bothering me at the time and anything that was happening before that gets left behind. He can’t be the right guy for me, because he doesn’t truly want to be. I’ve tried to make myself into what he likes, and I hate myself even more afterwards. The girl he wants, is exactly who I used to be. She is very much still inside me, but she disgusts me. She is the girl that put me through hell most of my life. The girl that refused to let anyone see how amazing I can really be. If I could kill just that part of myself I would do it in a heartbeat.
But how can I say such a thing? That girl gave me my beautiful children – but then I wonder if that too was a curse on their end? I don’t feel like a good mom. I don’t have patience anymore. I don’t do fun things. I am always angry. I sit down at night and think about how much I love them. But then the next day I am this horrible beast and I have to try SO hard to maintain a happy environment for them. I see it in them as they’ve gotten older. They are turning into angry people. Easily upset, lacking confidence. I am ruining them. I want to do better and everyday I say that I will. Please don’t let them hate me when they get older.
I feel like something is wrong with me. I can’t maintain one emotion or the other, it’s a constant battle inside my mind and it just makes me want to sleep my life away.. joke’s on me though, because sleep never comes easy.