Feelings

lately for the past few months I been eating to numb all my emotional pain. All I want to do is eat,mostly chocolate, or Burger King, ice cream. As you can see I’m depressed, my husband is back home and all but he won’t stop drinking. I don’t like that. Of course I’m no where near him when he is drinking/drunk for the sake of my son, but I wish he would stop because it’s killing me. Back to eating a lot, ever since middle school I had weight problems because of anxiety. Except it was the other way around, when id get upset over something I wouldn’t eat, not because I didn’t want to but I just didn’t feel hungry and I lost a lot of weight and almost had to be put in the hospital, so I slowly started forcing myself to eat a little more each day, or bring snacks to school and go to the bathroom to eat it. I also learned eating Mac and cheese helps gain weight so I ate a lot of that, and put on a few pounds and started looking a little healthier. But ever since Alex left (he’s back now) he was gone for 3 weeks I have been eating non stop, and notice I have been gaining weight. I feel so disgusting and fat, and ugly. He called me fat the other day ago like 5 times. We were arguing and ever since then I see a different girl in the mirror. I don’t feel attractive anymore, I don’t feel confident, I want to lose weight. Not the unhealthy way though. I am going to start working out and try cutting down on the junk food, hoping I can because that is pretty hard when you are depressed and all you want to do is eat. I like to sleep to, i am so glad I have my son in my life because I wouldn’t be getting up every morning if it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t have a purpose in life, and I’m so grateful he is my son. Alex is a good father, he loves Caleb with all he has, but sometimes he can be impatient. Like when Caleb is throwing temper tantrum he gets aggravated and raises his voice at Caleb and tell him to shut up. When he does that I pick Caleb up and take him to a different room and I tell Alex to not say that, I get after him because I want to raise my son the way I want, with good intentions. I want the swearing to stop he is 14 months old and learning words now and the last thing I want to hear come out of his mouth is a swear word. I have been good with not swearing around Caleb but Alex does it and it makes me upset. I feel like I can’t voice my opinion with Alex because he will get all pissed and say that he doesn’t want to be with me or other stuff that hurts. Sometimes I wish he was the old Alex or maybe there was no old Alex, maybe he was pretending just so he could be with me. I used to be pretty but lately I look like shit. I feel like shit. I want to be confident again. I want Alex to feel jealous when other guys stare at me as I walk by, my ex used to tell me a lot of people check me out when I walk by, but I think he was just saying that. I used to ¬†have a way with guys, I’d give them this look as I walked by and it wasn’t a dirty look it was a look saying hey come over here and talk to me I’m interested. I would never chase after other guys, and as soon as I got bored I go find another guy that paid attention to me, I loved it I really loved the attention, that’s all I ever wanted, someone to be crazy about me, and never get tired of me and never stop feeling crazy over me. But Alex used to be that way now he has no interest. I’m getting really bored, I haven’t done anything behind his back, it’s hard for me to lie. I want someone to put all their effort into me, someone who is clingy towards me and sensitive, I like that. I thought Alex was like that, that’s why I fell for him but things changed, he’s not clingy toward me or sensitive any more. He says some celebrity is pretty and I get upset cause I wish I was her sometimes that way maybe he’d like me better. I hope I meet someone who will be nice to me forever, not neciisarly in an intimate way but a friendship way, every girl needs a guy that will never let her down, wether it be her bf, close friend, husband whatever. Someone you can run to when things aren’t going well and they hold you in their arms and just listen to you vent, someone who will care about you and do anything for you, a friend. Someone who will let you cry and get you ice cream and chocolate at the store and surprise you, someone who takes you out to eat, and catch a movie with. Someone who never keeps you guessing if they want to be around you or not. I hope I find someone like that. I really do

2 thoughts on “Feelings”

  1. I can relate to a lot what you are saying. I have been over eating lately and have gained 6+ pounds. I am 5’6.5 (yes, 5’6.5) and tipped the scale at 149 this morning. I have been eating junk food and some times salads. I am overly critical of myself and think about it non-stop. But there has to come a point when we turn the negative thinking in to positive thinking. I like to tell myself that I don’t need that burger and fires, or pizza today. It isn’t going anywhere and will always be there.
    I am glad you try to be a great mother, but as for Alex, If I were to sit here and say you should leave him and find someone who wouldn’t treat you that way, I’d be a hypocrite. My boyfriend has thrown me down numerous times, nearly ripped clothes clean off my body all because of alcohol. He has said some hurtful things too, and I am still with him. I’m no walk in the park though. I tend to shut down and withdraw myself from everything around me, including him. It’s no excuse for him, but I have forgiving him and he has shown great effort to change. I would love to offer some actual advice, but I must go. I hope you find someone to treat you better.

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