I am so sad.
As much as I believe I’m taking steps towards a happier life, I’m still cursed with the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
I miss him so much. Why do people have to be so hard to understand? Why wouldn’t he help me understand?
I didn’t want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice. As much as it hurts not having him, the memories of the 5-6 inconsistent years I spent trying to convince him that I was worth it was never enough.
Relationships are impossible if one person is always having to compromise their feelings, and if one won’t listen to your feelings what kind of relationship is that?
I spent so much time in a faux relationship fantasy. I just wanted someone to build a life with, and I thought I could do it with him. I couldn’t.
I couldn’t cope with his hot and cold attitude toward me. His inconsistent need to see me and lack of trying to see me. I couldn’t cope with telling him that I love him and being met with only silence or no reciprocation.
The anxiety that had built through the years from his lying, cheating, and leaving left me in a very vulnerable place. When I tried to help him understand I was met with a comparison on who’s life was worse, and it was never my intention to make it about that.
I just want a relationship that I’m accepted in. I’m tired of being told there’s something wrong with me. I’m tired of constantly compromising. I’m tired of being treated how I like one day and then the next being treated like I did something wrong.
I’m tired of being on the hook.
Regardless, I’m stuck on the hook. I check my email almost every hour hoping to see a message from him. I think about him every day and night. I cry over him daily. I’m depressed over him daily.
It makes me feel pathetic, but one day I’ll lose the weight I’ve gained from major depression, I’ll gain my confidence back and I will find a man who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Someone who thinks it’s okay for me to be who I am, and listens and tries to understand.
Until that time I’ll embrace my sadness and anger. Its a temporary feeling, and I hope it motivates me towards doing great things.