I’m stuck between people who know nothing. Stuck between people who think their own lives suck so hard.. But did you break up with a boyfriend? I’m sorry, I mean it. I’ve been through the same, it’s awful, it killed a part of me, something that’ll never come back, I loved him. I still do but I got over it. And you’ll get over it too. It will take some time. It took over a year with me. But you’ll be okay.
Me? I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again and not because of the guy but ’cause I’ve been sinking in this dark hole, I dug myself. It’s an awful feeling; feeling hopeless, I know because it’s all I’ve felt the last couple of months.
And it’s awful to not be able to smile over silly little things. It physically hurts.
I can’t tell you when it started, one day I just woke up and wanted to go back to sleep -forever. I don’t see it as a bad thing. I wanna be peaceful again. Sleep brings peace.
Yet I can’t bring myself to sleep. It’s a weird combination; to feel so tired, but not being able to sleep. I see time pass by. First it’s 1AM then 2, 3 then 4. I see the minutes pass, then hours.. And all I think is; man I’m gonna be tired in the morning. But I don’t care about it, not anymore.
Yes, sleep brings peace. But only for a while, then being snapped out of it… No I prefer no sleep better. It’s bad, I know. But it’s just how my mind works.
I need help. I do. I know. Writing is helping me cope, but not enough.
They all say talking helps. I don’t think so, not to me, I feel like I’m in too deep. Talking? I don’t know, what are they gonna do to help me? Tell me that I’m not worthless, tell me I am beautiful? I don’t buy that crap anymore.
Writing about it helps, it feels like someone listens anyway. It feels like someone knows how I feel. It feels like someone’s here for me. I don’t wanna talk for real, talking always makes everything sound more for real. Writing makes me feel like I’m reading this as someone else. Like when your reading a book. It gives me a chance to feel like someone else, someone not me.
And besides, what does a therapist know when they haven’t been through the same?
Depressed. I still remember when I thought I was depressed because that guy dumped me.
Now I’ve been through worse I can feel depressed about. And write about..
I’m just so down all the time, and when I do sleep, I don’t wanna wake up. I do though.
I always feel sad, but I do.
You know, I used to believe in God. I used to believe. I used to pray.
Now I only pray for someone to take me away. To set me free, out of this Hell. Someone to give me release.
So take me away?