I’m stuck between people who know nothing. Stuck between people who think their own lives suck so hard.. But did you break up with a boyfriend? I’m sorry, I mean it. I’ve been through the same, it’s awful, it killed a part of me, something that’ll never come back, I loved him. I still do but I got over it. And you’ll get over it too. It will take some time. It took over a year with me. But you’ll be okay.

Me? I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again and not because of the guy but ’cause I’ve been sinking in this dark hole, I dug myself. It’s an awful feeling; feeling hopeless, I know because it’s all I’ve felt the last couple of months.

I’m depressed.

And it’s awful to not be able to smile over silly little things. It physically hurts.

I can’t tell you when it started, one day I just woke up and wanted to go back to sleep -forever. I don’t see it as a bad thing. I wanna be peaceful again. Sleep brings peace.

Yet I can’t bring myself to sleep. It’s a weird combination; to feel so tired, but not being able to sleep. I see time pass by. First it’s 1AM then 2, 3 then 4. I see the minutes pass, then hours.. And all I think is; man I’m gonna be tired in the morning. But I don’t care about it, not anymore.

Yes, sleep brings peace. But only for a while, then being snapped out of it… No I prefer no sleep better. It’s bad, I know. But it’s just how my mind works.

I need help. I do. I know. Writing is helping me cope, but not enough.

They all say talking helps. I don’t think so, not to me, I feel like I’m in too deep. Talking? I don’t know, what are they gonna do to help me? Tell me that I’m not worthless, tell me I am beautiful? I don’t buy that crap anymore.

Writing about it helps, it feels like someone listens anyway. It feels like someone knows how I feel. It feels like someone’s here for me. I don’t wanna talk for real, talking always makes everything sound more for real. Writing makes me feel like I’m reading this as someone else. Like when your reading a book. It gives me a chance to feel like someone else, someone not me.

And besides, what does a therapist know when they haven’t been through the same?

Depressed. I still remember when I thought I was depressed because that guy dumped me.

Now I’ve been through ¬†worse I can feel depressed about. And write about..

I’m just so down all the time, and when I do sleep, I don’t wanna wake up. I do though.

I always feel sad, but I do.

You know, I used to believe in God. I used to believe. I used to pray.

Now I only pray for someone to take me away. To set me free, out of this Hell. Someone to give me release.

So take me away?

3 thoughts on “Stuck”

  1. It isn’t the person you talk to who does the helping, it is being free to talk to someone as you write, without judgement or editing yourself.
    Most therapists choose to become therapists because of their own personal experiences, and most are required to see a therapist regularly themselves, which teaches them to be empathic, non-judgemental listeners.
    If you can find a therapist that makes you feel comfortable enough to be open, it is really you who helps yourself.
    I have experienced depression and therapy, and I believe that it is worth a try. If it helps you to develop a better outlook on life, then you can start to climb out of the hole you are in.
    All the best.

  2. @Naomii05 I know. Everything you said is true. And I don’t hate therapists, I just don’t know what they can do to help me.
    I just don’t know anymore.
    I don’t wanna admit to them I have a problem. But thanks for your comment, I appreciate it <3

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