After she left.

So with my mom gone, and my world turned upside down, I was left with my dad.  Someone I had no real close or personal relationship with. But I suppose we found common ground in that we were both left by the same women. We became, close? Or what I thought, as child was close. I thought we too had a special relationship. We would spend endless nights, talking for endless hours, well mostly him talking, and me giving what I thought was sound and wise advice here and there. This was only fed by my fathers praise, how wise and beyond my years I was he would always tell me. Confiding in me about the 24 years that he and my mother had spent together, telling his side of the story. I still often tried with my mother, giving her chance, after chance after chance to prove she was still the mother I once knew and loved so much, that women never showed up again, to this day.  That is basically the end of that story. We still talk here and there, but we are virtually just acquaintances now.  My father, the things I would witness in the next 10 years of my life, and the things I would listen to are probably what have molded me to be this “person” I am today.  I have watched my dad have multiple girlfriends at one time, 3 to be exact, and actually justify in his own mind, that it was ok, that there was no wrong doing going on, and somehow convince his children of the same. I watched him be so in love with one women, purchase a house with her, made plans to marry, and at the last minute before even moving in to the house, compulsively marry his other girlfriend in one of his pastor friends house, with his children as the legal witnesses.  That marriage lasted two years I believe, the other women, intelligently moved on and never had contact with my father again, he still obsessed over her to this day.  When my mother left, she was very indifferent to my father, finally being free, she showed no real emotion one way or the other, I think she was on the verge or possibly did have a psychological break. But I feel that this indifferent feelings towards my father is what drove his relentless fight against her in everything, in custody battles over us, in reconciliation for them, and finally when she was with another man, in making her out to be the devil. I think he was fighting to either mutilate her emotionally, or win her love back, either would have served his purpose all the same, but she gave him neither satisfaction. So the leap from women to women began. I don’t know if I can even remember how many women he went through, possibly ten from the time she left until now, when they had served his purpose and he was ready to move on, he would leave the door cracked as to enter easily in the future if needed. I witnessed this, I played a part in this. I was there for my father 24/7, I dropped out of high school in 11th grade, and I don’t even remember him so much as slightly encouraging me to go back and finish, in fact I think it was encouragement to stay out and get my GED when I turned 18.  Day in and day out, if he wasn’t spending time with a women, I would sit and listen, and give “sound” advice to him about all of his woes.  I would say this went on for a solid 2-3 years, until I too had the desire to have companionship.  I made what I thought was a conscious effort to never be like my father, but subconsciously I already was.

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