Apryl, what did you get in to?

We met, at Jessica’s house when she lived next door to me. I remember play Scategories I think, and being fucking nervous as hell around you.  I remember going to see a movie with you, and going to that Christmas thing at the fairgrounds, and holding hands. Now it’s time to be fucking honest with myself. I was a fucking drug addict, I worked at Chevron and did a shitty job, while collecting unemployment illegally, so I had more money to spend on drugs. I fucking lied to you, I was deceitful, I conned you. I was completely selfish, I wanted you, and didn’t care that I was a shitty person, and would eventually leave you after I had used you up for my own selfish reasons. I do remember little glimpses of true connection, like our first kiss… Omg I will never forget that haha, it makes me laugh to this day.  You were such an honest, moral person with values. I didn’t care, I was going to run through you and devour you like every fucking thing else in my life. It was all about me, if you found something out you didn’t like, I would lie and manipulate to make you feel better about being with me. But when I step back for a minute, and listen to my heart, I see these glimpses of your face, I see you laying in that bed in San Francisco, fucking pure,  beautiful, incorruptible… I still feel that in my heart, you are different. These feelings of passion, love, respect, desire somehow survived through the fire I set. But of course at the time, I didn’t feel nor care, I was there to consume at all costs. But then something happened, you got pregnant.  Holy shit, you saw my face when you told me. My feelings are hard to remember from this time, I think a large part of me, this person I am trying to overcome, started screaming GET OUT!  This meant so many things, my subconscious mind started telling me things like; you are stuck, you can’t do what you want anymore, start lying, manipulate your way out, it’s over, no more consumption, what am I missing out on… Etc etc.  there is a small part of who I am alive somewhere, but his whispers could be heard over the constant screaming of these thoughts. If I could have heard the whispers, it may have sounded like; you are NOW FREE. You ARE NOT stuck, you no longer have to consume and ravage, this void will now have something to be filled with, stay, be honest, and love devotedly… I hope that is what the real me would have said, I wish that’s what I would have done…

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