Beginning?

Here I am, no lies or deceit here. If I’m confused about what I am feeling or saying, if I can’t even tell if I am being manipulative or sincere, here is where I will express my conundrum. I have cheated on my wife, whom I am now certain is the one true love of my life. Yes, I am confused. Why would I even consider another women in anyway if I truly loved this girl? I don’t know. My first therapy session is in two days, I wish there was an emergency department filled with therapists, because I can’t get in there soon enough. I want to bust in there and lay EVERYTHING on the table, I want to expose myself once and for all. I am done hiding everything I have been through, and hiding behind the excuse that I beat it, and it didn’t affect me. My mom, my best friend at the time, my favorite person in the world, the one person who made me feel completely safe inside and out, abandoned me. When I was 14 she shared with me that she was very strongly considering leaving my father, I instantly supported her decision, and it became our secret. She would leave, and take me with her, and we would live a happy life together. She did leave my father, but she broke her promise, and left me behind as well. Over the next few years, from my jaded and blotchy memory of the events, she basically ignored me. Indifferent to the fact she was my mother, but more than that, we had shared a special bond, and that bond was broken without a mere blink of her eye it seemed. Before this, I was definitely an “adult child” always trying to appear more mature than my age, often entrusted with the care of my younger siblings, and confided in by my parents. But when she left, perhaps this is when my true self started to die…

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