Girls…

My first girlfriend was a fairly normal relationship, we did advance way to young sexually, but I thought she was it, I was devoted and totally in love (I was 14-15).  Then we got to high school, and like every cliche she left me for older guys, I continued to chase her and attempt to win her back, almost getting my ass kicked multiple times in the process by her new, older group of guy friends.  This was probably the last and only some what “normal” relationship I had.  The next girl I met when I was 16. She really was more my first victim. We instantly connected and became very close, she thought I was basically it, the next 7 years of that poor girls life would be hell. I’m not sure how she came out half way ok.  I never fully committed to her, I always kept our relationship in some sort of in between friends and officially exclusive limbo.  This way, when I found someone new and exciting, I could easily (in my mind) leave her behind and go chasing after this new fling.  At the drop of a hat, I would leave this girl in the dust, no warning or anything, and pursue my new “love” interest. This girl took me back every time, we basically lived together, but if I got bored I would go looking for someone new. Every new girl I found was lucky if I stuck around for 3 months. I would project this person who I thought they would love, this false self.  It worked every time, with no remorse or empathy for this person, I would lie and manipulate them to basically fall in love with me. Once I got what I “wanted” (whatever the fuck that was) I would start to pick this person apart in my mind, finding every reason why they are not for me, NEVER looking at myself, and never communicating true and raw feelings with this person. It was always a facade.  Then as sure as the sun rises, I would find a way to “break it off” doing so in a way that left the door cracked, just in case I ever wanted to revisit that person, which I did do with a couple girls with the same inevitable end.  Each time I left, I would go back to the original girl, this round about when on for 7 years.  Then I saw Apryls picture one day on MySpace.  She would be my next target…

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