Sunday

I’m moving!

It’s interesting how fast life moves sometimes.  I suppose I could spend less time being so nervous or less of it being so anxious and just be level headed. I don’t know how to think or act moderately. I can’t wait to start therapy!

There’s alot going on right now.  I don’t want to talk about why I’m moving because I don’t want to look back and remember. I just want that aspect to be all over with.

One of the first things I learned from Sara when I came to N.Y. was don’t look back. Well, there’s a lot of things to look back on and doing that makes me worry about why it all went wrong. I guess things went wrong and so the present is the only time I have in this life to make it so it doesn’t go wrong again. I need to remember that!

I learned in the hospital to take it one day at a time. This guy would come around me all the time and tell me take it one day at a time. He spoke alot about Jesus. I learned alot about Jesus this month. I learned about being humble and Jesus loves you no matter what. I live in this world where I have to prove myself. Jesus knows who I am and he loves me. I wish I could feel that way about myself. 

I also learned about making short term goals. Every day when  I wake up I can make a goal that’s important that I complete for that day. So, like if I have a long term goal, and there’s nothing that particular day I can do about it or think I can’t do about it, then I decide on something that with keep my mind off it so I don’t freak out. It’s true, what they say, the answer will eventually come to you so don’t pry on knowing right away.

Another thing I learned about responsibility is that many people are responsible for their jobs and their families. They think beyond themselves for the people they love. I hope I can start doing that for my family. My other half, and she will kill me if she see’s this, huge fight, but these are my feelings and she already does this.

I wonder what it would be like if we both could do this. Some things come naturally. I will always care for her. Some things that can change are my ability to care for me self can be greatly improved and my ability to care for others can be greatly improved.  The grade level on both of these areas are very low.

 I have been staying with my mom for a week and we’ve been getting a long, no fighting.

The one thing I will say is that I’m proud of my decision to walk away from my dad. I realize now that at the rate he’s going he will never change. And now I have more important things to worry about and focus on. 

Like paying bills. Blossom needs me to assist with paying bills at the house. I feel guilty about being happy that I’m getting what I’ve wanted for a real long time. I always thought if we worked together on a lot of things that have been weighing us down in life everything would eventually work out even and clean. I don’t know why exactly I feel so guilty. Am I guilty or is it that I’m more scared? I believe that if I focus and not think so much about it everything will be start functioning. 

My medicine seems to be helping just a bit. I’m able to apply the few coping skills I learned in the hospital when I start to freak out.  My medicine helps me stay focused.

Yesterday was a bad day for me but I’m not going to write about it because it’s not necessary to worry about it. I have to work today. I have a book to read. I have a book to write. Worry won’t make anything better. And besides I’ve known Blossom for a really long time and when something is starting not to go right I can hear it in her voice. So, I’m going to let that happen all on it’s own. Another thing about her is she won’t tell me if anything is going wrong unless she absolutely needs too. Right now she won’t especially because of  the time when I lashed out on her when she told me she was with someone.

While I was in the hospital I read a lot about functional and dysfunctional family systems. The key definitely is to be positive and humble. Humble meaning accepting who you are and what is happening at all times. Stop living in the past and stop living in the future. If, in a relationship, one person is not functioning up to par, it starts to admonish.

That scares me because it’s been like that for most of this past year. It’s been like that every time Blossom and I are on speaking terms. She believes in me and she has faith in me but I need to have that in my self and maybe focusing on what’s important, seeing that I can actually work towards something will help bring that back.  

I believe and my brother even said so just a bit ago and even the nurse at the hospital said I need to change my environment. I’m sure moving will help. My friends are excited to see me. That will be nice getting to see all them.  There’s another job I want to apply for that’s not so far from the gym. I could get my license, I could lose weight, I could get a car. I can do all these things. No one is going to stop me from doing any of these things.

Blossom supports every positive decision I make. I need to start supporting my positive decisions. I need to stop dwelling. And until then I’m going to keep my mouth shut. The first thing I will ever say to someone is something positive.

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