floating thoughts

I’m not even sure how I’m feeling…what the fuck? Have you ever just wanted to be depressed? I’m feeling that way; because that feeling is familiar and everything that comes with it is familiar. I want to feel that way, but I know if I do, it’s going to rip me apart. Right now I’m feeling anger, annoyance, depression, yearning….it’s so fucked. I wish I had some money to just go, get outta here. Even if for a month. I feel incomplete in some way. I feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything. I feel as if i’m settling. Why? I shouldn’t have too, but I am. I have no motivation. I want to do so much yet I’m either seriously not knowing how to begin or I’m just wishing shit will start on its own over night. I figure everyone else seems to be getting lucky, I’m next. Apparently it doesn’t work like that. My aunt made it pretty clear: we aren’t born in the life of (for the life of) luxury. This is it. And this is what I’m suppose to make the best of….my time here.  But I don’t want any of it. I want something else…I know it’s my purpose to figure out what that is and how to get it…i just don’t know. I feel as though I do know what i want, im just not sure how to go about. I have no patience and I think that’s the killer of it all….that and no motivation. I don’t know. I don’t even feel like writing anymore…i just kind of want to disappear into the darkness. You know?

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