Fuck my head!!!

I can’t wait to talk to this counselor tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with all these fucking feelings. I don’t know if I’m full of shit, if I’m truly being honest, if I am fabricating what I think is honesty. There is ONE thing I am sure of, I want the truth. I feel like I am being stupid by keep posting, post after post, maybe this is real? Maybe that person I want dead is trying to get me to stop, so he will survive. I have nothing to lie about anymore, why do I fear what I am saying so much? What I am feeling…do I have real feelings? They fucking feel real, this hurts more than anything I can remember.  Is it possible to fabricate feelings that feel this real? Feelings that has physical manifestations? Feelings that make my fucking heart hurt? God I hope not. I want this to be real so bad, I want this pain to be the most real thing I have ever felt. I want to feel every last bit of pain I have inflicted on you! Is this empathy? Is my empathetic self trying to escape? These feelings that have developed for my little babies. How could I have not been empathetic to them before? Secretly wishing in my mind for them to have the fucking life I had? To be separated from their parents, how is that possible. Please, I am begging, let this be real. Let everything I have written, every thing I feel in my heart and gut rip me to shreds, so I fucking no it can’t be anything BUT real. And this love, this feeling of true, complete selfless love I am starting to feel for my family. My babies, and my wife. God how could this feeling have been buried?! It is unlike anything I have felt. Before, I couldn’t even sacrifice so much as five minutes of my fucking time to pay attention to my family. I feel like sacrificing my fucking lifetime now, I wish I could prove it all in one moment, one grand gesture, but I KNOW that is not real, that is the old me, that is NOT sacrifice. Loving my family selflessly happens day in and day out, minute after minute, putting myself aside from here on out. So fuck your grand gesture, your quick fix, that’s not how it fucking works. That’s not what love, selflessness and commitment are about.

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