One hour.

Here I am, one hour until my counseling appointment. I have been looking forward to this for a week now, all these different emotions spiraling inside me. And now the closer I get to the appointment, it almost feels like something is going through me and turning them all off one by one. I started thinking, why would I start to shut down when I am so close? Is that side of me that I am trying to change that conscious and capable? Does it sense that it has been exposed, and may be stomped out like a smothered fire?  It reminds me of when you and I went to have our first actual conversation a few days ago. I couldn’t wait, from the moment you told me we could meet up that night, it’s all I thought about all day. I prepared relentlessly. And then you said that you didn’t want to go too far away, and it was your only free night and didn’t want to do this all night (COMPLETELY legit) yet I instantly shut down, and in that moment instead of understanding how hard it was for you to even look at me at this time, let alone talk, I instead focused on how boohoo sad that made me feel and started to shut down. I had to FORCE myself through that, it’s why I swerved off the road so fast, if I didn’t do something drastic, the moment would have been lost to my selfish reasoning, and I would have never broke down in front of you.  So what is it? Is it a conscious being inside of me that works hard to serve its selfish purpose? Or is it simpler than that? I don’t know, but I have news for whatever it is, I fucking see you now, I feel you creeping up on me and trying to ruin what I am doing. YOU WONT WIN! I will break through you every time, I promise you that. So, counseling appointment, honesty, change, moving onward and forward with my life, here I come!

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