So I asked if you would go on a little getaway with me and the kids, I told you it was so we could have good times together with the kids, and that for us maybe it could be constructive. I promise those are my true feelings, I truly just want the opportunity to be there for you, yes I admit it is hard as hell to think that maybe you don’t want me there…but I feel like the day that I stop trying, is the day I will truly lose you… So I am writing about a compromise to the getaway I requested, to kind of put it to the test and see if it’s a good idea in any way.  I don’t want you to feel stuck with me somewhere, unable to get away and uncomfortable. So, what if when you guys go to the coast with the Arnold’s, I will ride over separately, get a motel room separately, and only meet up during the day when you truly desire. Is this me being selfish? Is this a decent compromise? Does it matter what I want and think right now? No, not really. You are in pain, idk if you want me around the Arnold’s, they know what I have put you through, and idk maybe you don’t want to feel shame or weakness by allowing me around. I am not making the mistake of thinking it will all be peachy keen, this pain is fresh, your wounds are still wide open.  Am I the one you want around tending to them? I think if you graciously allow me to be in your presence during this trip, I need to be ever conscious of the fact that I have CRUSHED you…and you probably don’t want to see me looking at you and smiling, or trying to hug you, or even hearing I’m sorry… I don’t know, I will be honest, I really don’t know what you would want from me if you let me go on this trip. But God I hope you agree to this compromise, I want to run on the beach with the babies, I want to not look at my fucking iPad or fucking cell phone once, I can’t believe I used to even bring that stupid thing on trips… And I want to look at you, even tho you may not want me to, look in to your eyes and let you know I am there no matter what. Maybe you need a punching bag? Maybe we can go for a walk on the beach and you can just lash out at me, get everything off your chest that I have been to cruel and selfish to listen to.  Ok, so I am going to ask you about this compromise, I am hopeful…


PS I know this seems funny, but I miss the Arnold’s too. They have been such good friends to us, and to you.

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