this is a horrible feeling. I can’t even breathe right with the way things are going. Alex drank all day today now he’s sleeping. He talked to girls and I don’t know why I read his messages earlier but I did. And some girl called me ugly, she doesn’t even know me, she looks like an old lady. I just can’t deal with it. My son is being very very cranky and I never get help or a break so that stresses me out too. He needs a nap desperately so I looked up online to see if it’s ok to let 1 year olds cry it out when they need a nap. He’s always good with going to bed, but nap time is still a no go. They said it’s fine to let them cry it out. Ugh Im not too religious but I so believe in god and the son if god. I try to do the best I can pray and do good things for people but I’ve been slacking. My depression is killing my motivation to do anything. I wish I had it easy. But everything has always been a struggle for me. Ever since I was a kid, actually ever since my grandpa died from lung cancer and me being 5, I lost one of my best friends. I didn’t understand, and hurt that he was gone. I would always hope he’d come back down from heaven and visit me. But that didn’t happen. I would always ask questions and get scared someone else close to me was going to die. I hated when people died after my grandpa died. Even when I didn’t know them I felt sad. As I got older my meme and pay watched the news and I’d watch it to whenever something really bad happened I would ask people why it happened and they would just say I don’t know. So then id think about it for days and days. I read the newspaper around 8 or 10 and is go to the obituary section and look at All the peoples pictures and I’d feel bad for each and everyone of them. I would wonder how they died because they hardly say in the obituary how someone died. But yea I have been sad for a while, and it just stays with you and you have to learn to live with it. Anxiety as well. Anxiety sucks. I have severe anxiety (anxiety disorder) id have anxiety attacks where I felt like I was dying and there was no hope for me, where I lose my vision, where id get numb on my hands and feet. Worst possible feeling ever. If only things like this didn’t exist and evil didn’t exist life would be beautiful, but instead we wait to see ¬†beautiful after we die, which is heaven, it’s beautiful and peaceful.

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