I’ve taken up journaling regularly on pen and paper a few months ago. It’s a nice release.
This is a little less private, but still within my comfort zone. It’s nice to know that someone somewhere may come across my opinions and maybe relate or something.
What’s really inspired me to start this, is that every now and then I feel the urge to start a blog. But, for obvious reasons I couldn’t be as uninhibited as I would like on it.
I wanted an interface where I could be somewhat creative/poetic but also pour out my feelings, I guess.
Recently I have started to notice my development of unrequited love for a certain friend… Although my story is atypical… As most of my existence seems to be. Sigh. Trying to not be too dramatic here.
I’ll give some backstory because it’ll make me think that someone could actually be invested in my story, as if I’m a character in a novel. Don’t judge me, it’s 4 am lol.
I’ve had a long term boyfriend and recently we’ve started identifying as polyamorous. That’s a fancy term for being in an open relationship, essentially. So my unfortunate development of feelings for someone else is totally okay. As in, yes, the boyfriend is fully aware and actually hopes that it works out for me. He’s dated other girls too. That’s the kind of relationship we have, and it’s totally cool, and we love each other yadda yadda yadda… But this entry isn’t about that.
This might be a little too much to try to reveal or explain for a first entry, but oh well. ‘Tis the reality of my life.
When we first started thinking about polyamory, we met a few times with a mutual friend who’s had experience in this lifestyle to kind of give us advice. It was all nice until I one day mistook some of his interactions as flirtatious and I started to really fall for it.
If I hadn’t begun to seriously think that he might be into me, I would never have entertained the idea seriously. Sure, he’s attractive and I feel like emotionally we’re on the same wavelength (which for me is rare), but I figured from the get-go that he would be out of my league. I’m well… frankly not that attractive, at least not as much as I used to be. I’d say I’m about 30 pounds overweight, but at least in a nice curvy way which my boyfriend adores. I feel like it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, though.
So, me misinterpreting some communication spiraled into this lovely mess. I did try asking him out, we went out. But he’s so oblivious that he thought it was a friendly gathering even though it was just the two of us. I had to explicitly ask him if it was a date or not. Oh god, this story is so unique (as in, not generic), that I hope to GOD that he or anyone that could have any clue does not stumble across this.
Anyway, he turned me down, explained I’m not really what he’s looking for, which is fair, and I asked him to explain what he IS into lol. I needed to know. I sound more immature and juvenile than I like to think I am… The way I feel about this guy just parallels so much with what my hopeless crushes were like in high school. Sigh.
Anyway, you’ve probably guessed that I haven’t let this go. Not only is it that I couldn’t if I really tried, but I haven’t tried all that hard. Part of me is hopeful…stupidly. I’ve been in this situation before yet I still like to believe that for some reason I could be an exception. Which is ridiculous, I KNOW. I did also tell him if he ever changed his mind to let me know haha…. I needed to plant that seed JUUSTTT in case. Because you never fucking know.
I actually think… I got quite a lot of my system in this entry and may continue this later?