Hope and reality

First therapy session was amazing. I won the battle, which was raging VERY strong before I went in to her office, and remained completely honest and open, and let my emotions flow as they came. We covered a lot of basic ground, family history, relationship history, things like that. She asked me some hard questions, questions I didn’t know that answers to. Trust, it was the resounding point she tried to get across to me. I don’t trust people, i live in fear of being abandoned constantly, so to prevent that from happening I do the leaving.  14 years it has been since my mother left me, I thought I had beat it and escaped unscathed. I thought I was being strong. That is not strength, it’s the exact opposite really, it’s fear. Not facing what happened, coming to terms with it, and figuring out how to adjust to it.  So for 14 years now I have been chasing something I was scared to trust and commit to in the first place. I am ready now, to face this. Whatever it takes, I will look it in the eyes and lay it to rest, and be at peace with it. I want to trust, fully and whole heartedly. I want to bare my soul to you, and know you will keep it safe.  I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know the feelings that I will have to face when it comes to my mom and my dad. I am in such a weird place right now, I feel excited and happy to be facing this, I am excited to become someone better, literally a new me who is self aware, and can make conscious decisions that are healthy and sound. But then reality hits, and I remember what I have done to you. Why did this have to happen for change to take place? Why do I have to be at risk of losing you? I want to face this WITH you. You are the person I want to entrust with my heart and soul, but the pain and resentment, and anger you are going through honestly makes you not give a shit I think. But I will try and stay centered, I know that going back is not an option, I can never be that person again. If I ever want to truly change, I must do it regardless of what the future holds. It’s fucking hard to think of my future with anyone else in it though. I love you, I love those babies more than anything. It’s hard to just focus on this and myself right now while I miss you guys so much. I hate not being there for you. I want the chance to just be in your presence, and just be there for you. I try and remind myself that maybe that’s NOT what you want. Maybe I should trust you, and know that you know what’s best for you. I should stop trying to control the situation, my feelings are strong but it doesn’t matter, I need to respect you and your wishes. I need to come to the realization that we may not end up together….we may not end up together. We may not end up together…it’s something I have been in denial about, it’s this overwhelming feeling of love for you. This vision I get of my life without you that makes me fucking sick. But that’s part of taking responsibility for what I have done, is fully accepting all outcomes, and knowing I can’t force you in to anything. What I can do; devote myself entirely to this change, become a healthy, happy and content person, I want to be strong for you and our family and for myself, I need to be able to take care of myself emotionally first and foremost before I can do that. I need to devote myself to my babies, I have wasted so much time in the past 5 years serving myself and living in my own head, that I have not been the father I want to be. I need to stay strong in being faithful, and not just intimately, but in every way possible, this has become unbelievably easy for me, I have never in my lifetime stopped thinking thoughts like “who’s out there? Who am I missing out on” but I have found this new strength, this unwavering rock like faithfulness, I see no other women at all anymore, they are simply passer by’s in my day. I come home from work, and think about you, and how I can be there for you, I think about the kids, and I think about our future. I have become consumed by this since of family worth, I see us as the most amazing thing in the world, with the potential to have more fun, and be happier then anyone! It’s simply amazing. As I’m writing this I realize I flip flop a lot, going from talking about our family together, and then realizing we are apart right now, and our future is unsure. I don’t exactly know what to make of that, maybe one is my hope, and one is the current reality… All I know is I will fight to the death and do anything for you guys, and that starts with changing me.

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