Not of common things. You would never guess what I fear, that’s why I sit here to tell you; I’m scared of opening up. Scared of letting people know that I’m not okay.
I’m always supposed to suck it. Supposed to let it go and be stronger. It’s always like that. It’s always been like that. And I was okay with it at first. I could handle it.. My sister was supposed to be less strong that’s how it had always been. She wanted fights with our parents. She could let it all out. Every little thing that annoyed me as well.
They expected something else from me. They expected me to never search an arguement. But I guess I turned it all aroud in my head and I made myself think I could never be weak. That’s ehen I started to feel less… Alive..
Now I do things I regret, just so I can feel something again.
And I regret it, always do. But I make sure I cover them up. And I fake a smile. That has become second nature to me. And I do it again the next time. Without anyone knowing.
Maybe I should become an actress, I act all the time anyway..
I’ve just become so desparate, I don’t wanna do this anymore, I don’t wanna pretend anymore, I just want everything to stop.
-I write this in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep just because being alone and watching the sun rise is the only time I feel slightly more like me. Slightly more alive.-
I’m so tired. Drained. Mentally and physically, I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up again. I’m exhausted.
No one knows.. and everytime, I let my act slip, just a little bit. My parents tell me to grow up and stop being a baby. Everytime I show how I’m truly feeling they ask why I’m angry, I’m never angry, I’m just tired. My sisters can do anything and get away with it because “Come on Sofie, you don’t wanna start a fight, we’re having a peaceful night for once..”
So I don’t start a fight. I keep quiet, I lock myself up, with all my dark dark secrets that no one knows about.
“Being quiet is a way to hide when you can’t hide any other way.”
I just wish I could stop this. These feelings that wash over me. The thoughts that get more tempting every day.
I can’t stop it.
And I feel.. sooo guilty. I feel guilty because as I said, I should be stronger. I’m not though, not anymore.
I wish I could just blend in with the darkness. Become the shadows that stain this room, leave in the safety of the night while the morning stays behind.
And most of the time, I just sit in this dark room, trying to think of ways to disappear…