It’s almost 4 am again and for some reason I feel like writing on here again. It’s probably around this time when my emotions are most intense? I don’t know. Late nights are usually like that, at least for me. Unless I’m studying or something. Which I should be.
I’m part of an acapella singing group at school. It’s super fun. There was a performance today that I was a part of.
I couldn’t help but wonder whether Cameron was gonna’ be there or not. This is obviously a fake name. Although to be fair, at this point I might as well just reveal my whole identity considering how much I’ve revealed about my life. If someone even remotely knew of who I am and came across this, they’d start to really have their suspicions, just saying.
I really still like the thrill of this, though. Like a closet blog muahahaha.
I could write endlessly about all the cheesy typical crush-like feelings and thoughts I have about him, but I think I’ll spare you that at least for now.
I’ve been “Facebook stalking” him slightly. I mean, I do talk to him occasionally so I do have an idea of his love/sex life anyway.
But I was able to catch a glimpse of what one of his love interests looks like.
If you’ve read my previous entry, you may already know that I’m pretty self-conscious about my body and physical appearance when it comes to him. I’m somewhat overweight, but I do have a serious plan to work on that.
Besides being tall and thin, this girl didn’t seem to be like SUPER attractive. Probably slightly above average.
Btw, the reason I’m even considering all this is because he is also polyamorous (as opposed to monogamous), so him having any love or sexual interests at all does not mean a blockade or anything.
Wow… This is not like me at all. Worrying so much about looks and trying to change my looks for someone. I just… Crap. I can’t help myself. Being around him for even just a few minutes gives me goosebumps. Being friends with him without having any further desire would be impossible for me… But not being friends on account of that would be unbearable.
Sigh. Why does he seem so perfect? I feel like I’m 16 again. This is madness.
I can’t stop thinking about stupid shit like kissing him or cuddling with him. What the hell. Sigh.
I can already tell this is likely to not end very happily. I can’t recall a single time in my life where I have developed feelings for a friend and one day he started looking at me in that light too. Nope. Well, just sexually.
Which would actually be a miracle for Cam. I’ve even thought about stupid schemes and shit that would create scenarios where “something” might happen.
Fuck, what is wrong with me. Luckily, he is oblivious as FUCK (trust me), and would never suspect a thing. His friends might, though. So far the plan is to just stay friends with him and develop a close friendship and hope it somehow… Turns… Into something else. I know, it’s a terrible plan.
Sigh. I think I’m done journaling for now. I could write about other shit too and elaborate on my doomed feelings for Cam but I think I’ll hold back on that for now.
I’ve started to seriously accept the real possibility that I may be or already have fallen in love with him. Yep. Fun times.