When people talk about their lives changing in a blink of an eye, most people are referring to this when tragedy strikes. My experience with this has been the most opposite. My life has changed in the most positive way. I have found what everyone looks for whether they want to admit it or not. Love. Not just love, but true love. The kind of love that you see in movies and think to yourself “that cant possibly be a real thing”. The truest, purest, genuine form of love imaginable. Although, I know most people who will read this will think that either I am utterly infatuated with my significant other or even better, that I have no clue what love really is (haha). Or maybe you think I am only 14 years old and have been with my boyfriend since yesterday. I assure you none of the above is true.
Okay, maybe the infatuation part applies a little because I do adore everything about my SO but as a society we view infatuation as feelings that aren’t true or feelings that amount to nothing. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but what would make sense is, if you had an opinion to begin with, that you actually knew what I have been through and my situation. This all started a little over 2 months ago.
I will refer my ex-fiancé as Muscles or simply “M”. I will let you use your imagination and the details I give you to paint a picture of this work of art. Muscles and I had been together since January of 2011. For over 4 years, I endured heartache and deception. I forewarn you, I may have to take a break in between posts, for this is truly hard reliving but is necessary to try to show you how someone like me appreciates someone who is amazing in every way.
Looking back on our turmoil, I see that we were doomed from the start. I am not here to bash on him ONLY, because I am not perfect nor do I strive to be. The beginning of our relationship then, was fun and energetic. Now, I see so many things that were wrong with the situation. He owes a lot of money to the state and IRS for unpaid taxes. I was working late one night when he had his son, and received a call from him saying he was being arrested. A week prior to this incident, he was fired from his long time job. More lies started unraveling as it became apparent he was not the person who he said he was. He blew up the engine in his nice sports car, handed over cash to a jank mechanic (which some of that cash was mine) who took his money and fled to Chicago. He eventually had his car repossessed by his brother who cosigned for him with the blown motor still inside. M always let everyone pick up the pieces and take care of him when he fell. I gave him so much money over the years, I look back on it now and think to myself “you are so f@cking stupid”. But this feeling is short lived. We all wish we hadn’t done things during a relationship, but we live and learn. During the 1st year of our demise, I had quit smoking and going out drinking all night long. I lost over 30 pounds. I was a housewife, thinking that’s what he wanted. But he wanted everything but me. Multiple times I would find condoms in his gym bag and he told me he would find them at the gym. He told me that I could ask “so and so” but if I did ask, I would “look crazy”. The emotional abuse and “mind f@cking”, as I like to call it, set in very quickly. After 30 pounds lost, never once did I get any compliments on my hard work. He was wrapped up in his “prodigy”, an older woman whom he “helped” lose a bunch of weight. This so called prodigy had some type of affair with M, she told me they sent naked pictures to each other at some point before we actually became exclusive. She was married, and I had to get over the awkward circumstances. “There is nothing going on between us”. Now that I think about it, he liked taking pictures of himself. Penis pictures mainly. I found out he had sent pictures to some girl when we were actually dating but he blames me because he thought the whole time I was cheating. I never cheated on that man the whole 4 1/2 terrible years we were together. I still cant figure out why I “loved” him. But now I know, I never did. I will admit to the world, the only lie I ever told was that I had slept with a male friend before me and M became “official”. It was during the 6 months that we were only “dating”, but yes I lied about it. I was afraid of losing my chance with M. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have wasted my time worrying about it. But I probably wouldn’t be where I am today.
Lets veer off into a different direction for now though. I feel like this is beginning to sound like a “man-hating” post. Which is not the feel I am going for.
The MAN that I am with now is my everything. He is everything a MAN should be. He is everything I want from a MAN. He gave me the courage to stand up for myself. To end the nightmare that I had been living for so long. He told me exactly how he would treat a lady, everything that I wanted so badly, for so long. But I realized that I wasn’t ever going to get it from my current relationship at the time. I had known “B” from years ago, working at the same Wal-Mart. At the time that we knew each other, I acquired a lot of mutual friends of his. But at that time, we were both coupled up. He eventually married his high school sweetheart where as I moved to a different town. I think we were both 19/20 years old at the time, or around there. I am 8 months older than him although we graduated high school the same year. B added me on a social networking site in the beginning of April. I had gotten a fortune cookie roughly a week before we started seeing each other that read “Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month”. We started dating May 20th. Now, I know some of my “friends” on FB probably didn’t agree with my decision or simply didn’t understand it, but it was also not their decision to understand. For one, you cannot judge someone for wanting to be happy. That’s just dumb. Even though you think it might be “messed up”, trust me you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and you definitely don’t know what happens in someone else’s relationship enough to even make a judgment of the sort. This was my motto and I simply did not care what others thought of me. I was putting myself first for once. And I did just that.
I think I will leave it here for now to collect my thoughts 🙂 thanks for reading.