Finding Myself

God has really put something on my heart tonight. I have finally found myself in God. I don’t think I have ever really realized that he really is ALWAYS by my side. 

It started in February. I started talking to this boy and he tempted me to do crazy things that I would never do. Okay it wasn’t really crazy things but they were things that i was not known to do. I’m not a bad girl. I’m not a slut. But I do make mistakes. I can’ help it.

I was watching a show today and there was a couple talking about sex. The boy was ready and he really wanted to do it but the girl wasn’t. Now i know that I don’t need to have sex and trust me I don’t even want to. But my point is that the boy loved the girl so much that he told her, “I can take no as an answer because I am a man.” and that really made me think. I have had a different boy ask me for nudes every night this week. One night was the one i had sent some kinda picture to before. I have never sent nudes but i have sent stuff that i shouldnt and trust me, i got my dose of shame. Im going to go ahead and tell you this, i am not proud of my body. I do have big boobs or whatever but i dont like them. i didnt ask for them. im not extremly skinny like all my friends. i not fat but im not skinny either. but the thing is, boys dont see that part of me. These “lost little perverts” see my boobs and my butt. thats what they want to see. and if im not willing to show them they say ok bye. and i cant tell you how many times i have said wait and sent them. Thats what they want you to do.

my best friend recently found a boy that loves her a lot. im going to call him Isaac.(thats not his real name). but anyway i just texted my friend and said…

“dont let isaac go bc he is a good kid and he seems very loyal. i just want to say that i am sick of boys asking for pics. please promise me that id isaac or anyone else ever asks you say no and if they keep on tell them that only a real man can take no for a answer. its shallow and pathetic. let them go. we are to good for them.every time they ask i get more tempted to do it. im only telling you this because i know how it feels to regret things like that. i did that crap because it made me feel wanted. no i didnt send full on nudes but i did make a mistake and the only way i found to get those chains off of me was to go to God and surrender my life to him and ask him to forgive me. all i wanted was to feel wanted and loved but i realized the only way that will really happen is if i put my faith in God and never try to take matters into my own hands.”

so yeah thats how my night went.

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