Dead beat.

My sperm donor reached a new low yesterday. I have always tried to be close to this man. I learned how to play guitar for this man, I started singing by watching him. I bought a horse so that we could spend time together. When we were given the options to see or not to see him, I was there, every weekend. Over the years I have always gone above and beyond for this man. From buying him a “dad” ring that he wanted to buying him his first cowboy hat. I have always tried to be nice to and make my father feel special He never went above and beyond for me. I went with out a lot growing up. I felt guilty for asking for things that were extra because they weren’t a necessity… and we really couldn’t afford it. It was like pulling teeth to get him to help me with anything. So I stopped asking for his help. Until yesterday. I mentioned that I got a horse to spend time with this man. We kept those horses on his property. I would give him $25 every two weeks from my paycheck for hay and buy miscellaneous things that we would need every now and then. like: fencing, feed, halters, wormer meds.. whatever. Any time I had extra money it went to what ever was needed for those horses. Apparently my best wasn’t good enough for my father. One day, he decided he was going to go in with a relative to purchase some property to move the horses to because he didn’t want to spend money on hay. Some days after that, my horse was moved without my permission to said property. Somewhere in the midst of this my dads horse got out of this fenced in property and he was threatened  by an asshole neighbor who worked for animal control that he would be fined if he didn’t keep the horses off the road. After that, my father gave his horses to another man. That is right. He GAVE perfectly good young trail riding horses away. A couple of weeks later, it was told to me that I would need to start paying rent on that property. Um, excuse me? The point was to move them so they could graze and not have to pay for hay- Im not going to pay MORE money when he could eat hay and feed like he was before for less. So, I said I would move him. After all, he was taken there without my permission in the first place. About a week later, I was told that I needed to move him ASAP because they weren’t getting that property anymore. I asked my dad if I could more him back to his house where the horses had been before all of this mess… Drumroll Please….. He said that if I wanted to give him my horse, that he would allow it. But only if I gave him my horse because he wouldn’t take care of someone else’s horse. You have GOT to be kidding me. What kind of father wont let his kid keep the horse she got -to spend time with him- on his property- when that is exactly where he had been for the last 8 months. A selfish one. A jealous one. A man child. A man who shouldn’t call himself a father. I tried over looking the missed birthdays, the missed christmases, all the times he wouldn’t help me because he said he couldn’t afford it. Those things I can rationalize. Its his religion. He doesn’t make a lot of money. Its not something I needed, it was something I wanted. I could do without. But this? This is something that he could do, that wouldn’t be hard for him, or cost him money, or even require that he spend time. It is something i NEED to avoid losing my horse, and what… And he wont, thats what. Whats your excuse? You wont take care of someone else’s horse. nice. So I’m just some joe blow on the street you’ve never met before who is asking you to take care of my horse? Im YOUR CHILD. A child who has KILLED herself to please you over the years. Who cuts your hair for crying out loud? Who forgave you for ditching me at that talent show when you said you’d play guitar and then backed out when we got there. The same child who has made excuse after excuse. Who has defended you and has done everything you’ve ever asked her to do, but is never good enough. 

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR RELIGION.

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