Oh man…

A bit of writers block right now….I am just trying to bounce all this stuff around in my head, and make sense of it. Honestly, it’s probably just me, the shitty me not wanting to come to terms with things. STILL, after the stuff I have been through recently, and the things I HAVE come to terms with expecting way too much, way too soon. I need to remember that I am not making this change for some sort of reward, naturally I will have SUCH a better relationship with my kids and that in itself is the greatest reward I could ask for. But I guess I shouldn’t expect to much from you… And I think that’s what I do, I have these wants and desires, but I will say it AGAIN here in hopes it gets through to my head, it really doesn’t matter what I want at this point, in fact, it DOESNT. Remember who HAS been 100% committed for almost 6 years, remember who has basically raised these kids on her own up to this point, and did I show concern for her wants or desires? I would say that she has kind of put in her time, and proven herself so to speak. So if she wants to take time to make damn sure her life will be exactly what she wants it to be for her and her kids, I would say she has more than earned that right. So once again I think that sense of entitlement is creeping up in me, I get these thoughts such as “well I am HERE NOW, so why can’t we just work on it?” Or “doesn’t she see that I am truly trying to change, and doesn’t that make her want to try again?” Thoughts like this have one persons needs or desires in mind, she has made it very clear were she stands, and what she wants from me. That’s it. Pretty much the bottom line right now, so to expect the whole package after I have actually been an active member of this family for one whole week is really presumptuous and selfish… So, back to the past two days. They really were amazing, I do think that my own incorrect expectations of our situations, and then failure to communicate at least about them early on was too bad. You know it was kind of a good test, and I know I waited till the last minute basically to get it out, and that’s really too bad. But I learned a lot from that one conversation, that you are open to communication, and feedback from my end, as long as it isn’t simply self serving prodding towards you. The coast thing, i don’t know…I guess I am happy that I stuck by what I said I would do, by not bugging you or bringing it up again after I proposed my compromise. But then once we actually just communicated about it, face to face, and we’re both just honest about our thoughts and feelings, it brought about so much more understanding then a one sided proposal… When you told me what you thought and felt about it, I completely understood…I won’t lie tho, it really just hurts, bad, thinking about you guys going on another vacation without me… I am so thankful thorough that you are in a better place, where we can actually hang out, I definitely have more work to do on being open and communicating, and once again, even though you owe me nothing, grounded me today, and just kind of brought my head out of the clouds I guess. And with the more I witness how open communication is so many leaps and bounds better then bottling something up for hours or days with false presumptions basically, the more inclined I feel to bust through the barrier, and just get it out… But it was a really great two days. I have just had so much fun with the kids lately, it just still astounds me that I gave this up for whatever I was doing before. The way that I little girls face lights up just melts my heart and soul every time. And the simple stuff I did around the house today, I actually FELT like doing that stuff, before it was like pulling damn teeth to get me to do anything…I just got a glimpse yesterday and today what we COULD have been like together, the team I should have been apart of, but wasn’t… So I realized today, that no matter how far I feel I have come, and no matter what I think I “deserve” that I still have a lot of work to do… Was this hard to hear, and admit, yeah it was, but it does not dishearten me one bit. I accepted this challenge to become someone better, for me, the kids and for you. I told you and myself that I don’t care how hard it is, or how long it takes, I WILL become that man.

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