Punching a figurative wall.

Alright.. mostly not in chronological order.. I just mean like… SIGH

It’s been sort of difficult the past month. In my more personal life than social.

About..8-9ish months ago at my high school I met this guy. He worked there at the time. I remember the first time I officially met him, and what he asked. He caught my eye, I never saw anyone quite like him before. He was pretty in a way..

He has an accent, and I found out he’s from Argentina. I personally thought he sounded nice? Apparently a lot of people couldn’t really understand him.. I understand that he spoke a different spanish, but he knows the differences. Even in english people said they couldn’t understand which I thought was weird? Maybe I’m just great at understanding people??

I remember having to sort school mail, and someone didn’t work there anymore so he said, ‘They aren’t with us anymore.. oh uhh i mean they’re not here at the school… not that they’re….’

Honestly it made me laugh, and I developed a small crush on him, nothing big at the time. Ugh, god he was pretty.. light green eyes, perfect height, nice hair not to dark, or too light, slender, yet masculine.
As time passed over those months I developed even more feelings for him, as I saw him every week. He was always nice to me for some odd reason. I mean he was nice to others, but he was weird..

Weird in the way that at one time he said ‘Hello.’ to literally everyone in the room, but me?? I know it sounds stupid to think about, but?? Did you blank out on me, or something. The person with bright red-pink hair, and bigger than average glasses. He acted oddly.

I once said when he asked, that I didn’t really enjoy sorting the mail out, and he got a t.a literally the next day. I wonder what was with that. One person complains, and you get that done?
I had strong feelings for him, but obviously I couldn’t say what I wanted to. That would of been a mess I feel like.

Well anyway.. soon summer was coming up, and he said that we’d never see each other again. That hurt rather hard in the heart. Summer happened, and I realized I really loved him? When I feel certain emotions I feel them way too hard, especially the ones like love, anger, sadness. I fall too hard for people..

I cried a few times over the summer, I didn’t know what to really do.. I eventually told my mom about it.

She wa a bit surprised, but shared information about him. He put on a facade, apparently. He isn’t like the way I knew him.. A lie, stuck up, f-wad of an Argentinian, apparently that’s him. I knew he was a bit of a jerk, what person isn’t to a degree, but I guess he REALLY had some problem. Also that he called people retarded, f-ing idiots, morons, and refused to do things that he wasn’t getting paid for? Like you work at a school, just do it man.

Now school is coming even closer, and my mom helps at the school so she went to go check on something? When she came back she said that.. he came back to work another year.. but that he’s gay.. and got married.

uhm.. I don’t know what I even felt right then? Just felt nothing.
Now I am happy for him, congratulations, and all that but on my end it’s oh my fipping god.

And because he’s supposed to be working at the school I’m going to end up seeing him a lot. I really don’t want to because you know? Right now everything is just waiting for a bullet.

I’ve had crushes on people before him, who have also turned out to be gay so I’m just like?? There’s only so many gay guys you can fall n love with when your a female before you wanna go punch a wall in.

He’s the 3rd guy in a row I’ve liked so much who is gay. I know it’s only 3 people, but I have a hard time finding guys I like. The guy before him I had a crush on 4(?)years ago, yeah it took four years for another guy to interest me. It’s just a bit frustrating when It keeps being like this.

And after knowing what I now know I still have a small piece of me wanting the guy. I obviously know there’s nothing I can do, but really just wait, and hopefully meet a guy who likes girls at least. I probably won’t really forget this guy, but maybe I’ll move on, and meet another guy..
I just wish I didn’t fall so easily? It’s hard not to sometimes :/

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