Why won’t my lover initiate sex … I feel unnecessary to him sexually

I love my husband.  He is my friend and my lover.  A true partner in most things in life.  He is kind, generous with his heart, often over-committing of his time to me and others.  I’ve never seen a better example of a father up close with my own two eyes. Only problem is he could go literally forever without physical intimacy (with me anyway) and i don’t know how to handle it anymore.

After 20 plus years of marriage, I can genuinely say that we’ve been through it all.  In large part… throughout this marriage I feel that it has been me who has had to plan for and initiate sex when I wanted it… Especially in this, the last third, of our 23 years together. I don’t know how we got here but I  pray things turn around.

To add insult to injury, while we have had too many sexual droughts to count anymore… It hurts me in my deepest core that we have had more than a couple of cheating incidents in our history… And these are just the ones that I’m aware of.  Although I sincerely doubt that my husband would agree with my characterization of his behavior as cheating… It is how I officially registered the incidents in my brain and in my heart.  And it’s where I have filed away all memories of these affairs.  All of our sexual history, for me, is laid against the backdrop of this reality.

So my recurring question is, if you are not making valiant efforts to pursue and have sex with your own wife on a regular (let’s say monthly) basis, but throughout history, you are well known to have engaged in countless questionable activities like:

* talking to strangers on your cell phone at all hours of the day and night

* participating in sex chat rooms

* exchanging pictures with women online

* posting social media profiles on dating/sex/relationship websites where you say you are available for sex or relationships or whatever…

What am I to make of that?   How am I supposed to process the fact that throughout these incidents of misconduct and, frankly, even in the 2 years of time since the last known misconduct incident, there has been little of no improvement in our actual sexual time together… and he STILL won’t really initiate sex with me with any regularity at all??

I’ll tell you what i am to make of that… I am now left with a deep deep sadness.

This is not a plea to beg for superficial attention.  I don’t need to be told i’m pretty every 15 minutes or even every day.  I KNOW I’m attractive.  Trust me.  Throughout my marraige i have NEVER had any issues ever with getting the attention i know i am deserving of.  Thank God i have continued to live and work in the real world outside my marriage.  The validation most women seek has been out there in abundance for me.   I have no problems in that area.

Fortunately, I have no self esteem issues whatsoever… But I do remain very very lonely…and the loneliness comes to haunt me and to visit upon me in the wee hours of nearly every night.  It comes to sit upon my heart while i watch my husband prepare himself for nightly slumber, without so much of an gesture from him that we should at least ‘try” to make love.

For many years after our second child was born, we split up into separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons that all equated to better, sounder sleep for us both.  What started out as a temporary thing, turned into years of sleeping apart.  Even during that time, I would be the one to visit my husband at night to try to get something started.  He never once reciprocated.  I am so sad even now as i reflect upon that.

I’ve read that the difference in communication between the sexes is that women think that after being together for some time, that a man should just KNOW what a woman is feeling/thinking/wanting… and that men think that… women should just TELL them exactly what they feel/think/want… so men can deliver on that.  Men think its games-playing when we want them to read our minds.  We see it is the ultimate gesture of love to “read” into all situations knowing us (as they supposedly do) from the inside out.

In light of this… and trying to communicate on the level that men say we should, I have literally told my husband, many times, exactly how i feel about sex… how much i desire him… how much i would love to have sex with him… and so i know he knows… but promises are made by him… plans arranged by us both… and time after time after time…. NOTHING actually happens.

I mean, when we get to bedtime and nothing is happening… i don’t get it.  I don’t get what is happening on the inside for him… I am screaming and crying and going crazy… and he seems fine.. and kisses me gently and goes to sleep.  Sooooooooo… am i supposed to bring it up AGAIN?   OK… so I have done that.. and then he says, “oh ok… did you still want to do that?  ok.. (prepares to get started)”  THIS. IS. THE. WORST. EVER.

Its like an after-thought.

Its like… OK.. if you ask me then sure.

It’s like he forgot.

It’s demoralizing to me on every level.

The only thing that’s worse… is when he rejects me altogether… saying,

“oh yeah…but i forgot to shower and its late…”

In the last week alone, I have made several attempts to connect sexually with my husband.  Preplanning a secret afternoon getaway with him… in order to show him how much i love him and desire him.  It went very well…  afterwards we talked about when the next time would be…  I dropped hints for the next 2 consecutive days… that I was interested again… but nothing really was initiated from his side in reply.  So, I figured… time to raise it up a notch.  I was very direct and asked my husband if he wanted to go upstairs… for some fun… because we have a very new baby at home… he said he felt uncomfortable leaving the baby alone in a room without being able to hear her.  I agreed and said I would buy a monitor.  2 days later the monitor arrived and i was so excited… thinking my husband would see my IMMEDIATE response to his concern.  Thinking that he would see this as yet another sign.. another shorthand code for… I WANT TO BE WITH YOU…. and the night the monitor came… I was patient… didn’t say anything overtly…  waited for our older kids to finally head off to bed….  I showered… went to snuggle with him … and wait for him to take action… since everything was right in place… and he said… “yeah… but i didn’t get to take a shower…”  Rejection again.  Cried myself to sleep for 2nd time this week.

On the 5th and final night, i thought well he was tired last night… for sure he’s going to be ready tonight.. cause he knows i’m open and available…. and so i waited… and waited… and nothing….

Even though I didn’t want to be the one to initiate AGAIN for the 100th time… i just couldn’t stand the thought of going another 1-2-3-4-10 days… for him to get around to figuring out how to “spontaneously” ask for sex from me.  ITS MADDENING.

In the course of a week… we have had sex, been rejected for sex twice and then finally middle of the night sex finally… but only because i initiated the process again…I shudder to think how long it would have been if i wasn’t so persistent   He just always relies on me.  I feel unnecessary to him sexually.

And by all other accounts… we’re supposedly very happy.  We’re in a great place relationship-wise.  We’re communicating better than ever before…etc etc. We’re both the best of friends… amazing co-parenting partners… but when the sun goes down… so does everything else.

I guess my patience level has run out… and while it took several years to finally peter out… it is now an acute pain i feel when my husband makes promises of future sexual encounters… and hints at… “taking care of me next time… or later… “.  In all the years past.. i really truly hung onto those words… all day long … believing that something would happen that night.

I now know better and i don’t even PRETEND to believe that anymore.  I don’t know how my husband couldn’t possibly know that this promising and teasing happens all the time.. with absolutely no fulfillment.  How could he forget so quickly and so chronically… that he has hardly EVER made good on those claims?  I don’t get it.. but in any event…I press on… taking things into my own hands.

I’ve done whatever I have to do to get sexual release throughout these years.  Lots and lots of “alone time”… Sometimes right in bed next to him… Sometimes not.  But I have NEVER engaged in sexual stimulation or arousal with another living being… Not ever.   Not in real life… Not virtually online with complete strangers… I just want my husband… And I wish my own husband wanted me the same way too. So to my knowledge it’s been a couple of years since his last online affairs… But our sexual activity has only marginally improved as I mentioned above.   So… With a track record like the one my husband has… I can’t help but let my mind wander about what he must be or might be doing to fulfill himself during all of our little dry spells along the way.  I do not trust him any further than I can see him.  More importantly I don’t even think the trust issue would matter if I was at least being pursued by him as an object of desire…. 

One thought on “Why won’t my lover initiate sex … I feel unnecessary to him sexually”

  1. I wish I had the answer to give it to right now. However, I can can relate to your story… In this story, I’m you’re husband, I’m the one with the affairs, I’m the one who letting the boat sink.

    Like I said, I have answer to that would help your problem, but you’re more than welcome to ask me anything and find some kind of closure.

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