Day One

Sometimes living with an alcoholic can make you question your own sanity. After a particularly long ordeal last night with the father of my child(who I live with) I felt like I was in my childhood all over again. Just shut your mouth, Jamie. Don’t let them see you crying, Jamie. Don’t respond even though they try over and over again to get you to engage in the conflict, Jamie. These are the things you learn to do to best deal with an alcoholic. Don’t engage and mentally turn off. For the first time ever I reached out last night and asked how to get out of this situation. I have no ability to provide for my daughter. Do you know what a shitty feeling that is? I want to get out but am frightened because I can’t provide for my daughter. So it’s either – she and I live with the alcoholic, or just she live with the alcoholic.. all because he has all the money and more to mask the image of who he really is to a judge and make me appear unfit – because I am not financially secure. 

I am so excited for life right now. My 2 year old daughter has warmed my heart and ignited my spirit – I have a thirst for life, with her. A life of sobriety.

I started seeing a counselor (again) two weeks ago. In thinking back in our conversations and then thinking about our future couples counseling meeting I felt the overwhelming need to begin documenting some facts – Not opinions – because I literally am beginning to question whether the problem is me. And hell, it might be. But I don’t want to go to my counselor with just feelings. I want to approach her with my feelings about the situations that have been occurring but also some factual information so she can tell me like it is – am I the one with the problem? And you know, it’s not a blame game. So I don’t care which way she thinks the problems are rooting from. I want some truth – and right now with the year I’ve had I’d rather trust the perception of someone other than myself. Because it very well may be me messing up every thing I keep complaining about.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. I should’ve gotten a journal a lonnnngggg time ago. But this time I have a purpose. For the next 6 days I am going to log the amount of alcohol and marijuana the father of my child intakes along with each altercation we have as a result.  I’m going to notate what responsibilities each of us took care of.

What I honestly believe, but keep questioning because I live with the addict, is that he has a severe addiction problem. I believe this problem brings out the worst in him, for example;

a lack of accountability

outbursts of rage(even in front of Claire)

an income of 70k+ with no money in the bank

no willingness to set ‘goals’ or ‘budgets’

no drive or energy to help with the mundane tasks that must be done

no drive or energy except for at work, period, really

– he’s home – finish soon

3 thoughts on “Day One”

  1. I too am with an alcoholic. We have been together now 11 years, 2 of those married. He is currently sober but because of his last dui. He has an alcohol bracelet, so he can’t drink even if he wants to. I have anxiety just thinking about it getting removed in January. We don’t have kids so I don’t know why I stayed. The mind games and emotional abuse was out of control. So the dui was a blessing. If I could go back I would have chosen a different path in life. Things are ok now since he’s not drinking but I won’t let myself rely on him for anything. I will have no problem bailing on him if he starts back up next year. I made a plan, put money away just in case. I wish you the best! Stay strong and keep your head up. The depression is overwhelming, I know. But just remember you only live once and it’s not worth walking around on egg shells your whole life.

  2. Thank you guys. Yes. The depression and the inability to fix things is overwhelming. I can’t believe that I loathe alcoholics b/c of my childhood and I have been in and out of a relationship with one for five years and have a child with him. Just too damn smart for that.
    And good luck to you too. Please, please don’t let him have more than that last try. For you. Out of respect and love for yourself. xoxo

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