Heart vs Head

Four months ago today I was sat writing my diary in a tiny rural village in Tanzania. No doubt writing of how I longed to be home with my friends and family counting down the days till I left. Now I am home, far from Tanzania my heart longs for adventure and my feet are restless. Seems silly really that when I am away I long for stability yet when I am home I long for adventure. How do you solve a problem like that?

Looking back I have fond memories of laughing and loving, learning and caring, taking in the breathtaking beauty of it all. My heart sinks to think that it is over and life just goes on, the world just continues as it was..nothing changes. When I came home I was full of excitement for the next adventure mixed with a lot of emotion still not dealt with and feeling lost and overwhelmed.

The happy memories are very true and I am so blessed by them but I also had painful experiences during my time there. Some helped me grow as a person for which I am grateful but others damaged me in ways I didn’t realise. They caused me to doubt myself and my faith in humanity and maybe even God a little.

As the days and weeks  passed the excitement and passion began to wear off and the reality of everyday life in England began to kick in. The weekly trips to the job centre and waking up each day with nothing to do became too much and so many things had changed while I was gone. It almost felt like I didn’t belong here either, a feeling that I am no stranger to.

Within a month of returning I had accepted a job in France working in a chateau, I was due to be there till October. This was it, the opportunity I was looking for, the answer to  adventure and stability but sadly not. Within two weeks I was on a ferry coming home because I had made myself really ill with stress. I had used it as an opportunity to run away from my issues and avoid facing up to what was going on. It pushed me over the edge, already a mental and emotional mess I couldn’t take it.

Disappointed  in myself and seriously reconsidering my future I came home, shaken and hurt by the experience on top of existing issues. I had once again failed, this is not the first time my need for adventure has led me to ruin. What can you say to someone who never learns? But at the same time can you tell someone not to follow their dreams and just settle for life? Maybe it is time to settle down in a job, decide on a career and do what everyone else is. It’s certainly the more accepted option and much safer and so many people do it so it can’t be that bad.

My whole life all I have ever wanted to do is travel the world. Feeling restless my heart longs for adventure, venturing into the unknown, meeting new people and making a difference. My heart beats faster at the thought of it but my head aches with worry. Experience has taught me different with so many mistakes and failures to remind me that’s not always how it works.

A lot has happened this year, I spent 3 months in Tanzania, 2 weeks in France and I’m now working full time in a coffee shop to pay the bills but what is next? Is there more than this? Craving stability but also desperate for change, how do you win between your head and your heart?

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