Catching up.

So I haven’t been able to write an entry for a few days, I was at the coast and my stupid phone wasn’t working.  I will start by saying that the last 7 days has literally been the best week of my life. I have never had that much genuine fun, I actually feel happy, just, happy… I never really had that feeling before, idk it’s hard to explain, I mean I had happy times, ups and downs, lots of downs, living in my head constantly made it nearly impossible to just be, and enjoy the moment and life.  Selflessness, that’s really all it took. Putting myself, my wants, my desires aside. And I’m not talking about big desires and big expensive things I want or anything like that, I’m talking about little things throughout the day, that I “thought” I wanted. Things like instead of paying attention to and playing with the kids, sitting on the iPad all night, instead of coming home and kissing you and asking you how your day was, and what I can do for you? I would come home and silently expect/want that from you.  Or on the beach, taking the kids to look for treasures, play in the water, build a sand castle, instead of walking off by myself for the duration of the time we are there. And in putting these selfish, pointless desires aside, these things I thought I wanted and thought made me happy in that moment I guess, by putting that aside, I have found true happiness and joy. Being with our babies I used to think was some kind of chore, I wouldn’t trade a second of my time now for anything. Helping you, and taking some of the load off you and letting you relax, hearing you say that this was the most relaxing family vacation you have ever had just made the trip for me, because that was what I truly wanted, was to make YOU happy, and hear that you actually got to enjoy yourself and not have to worry about everyone else. I have tried my best for the past 7 days to do this, put you guys first, make you guys the center of my world, and I just can’t believe what I have been missing out on. Is it tiring at times? Can it be challenging? Sure, it can be, but the way I feel makes all that seem small and just go away. Something has changed in me, I am not doing all this as some show in hopes to win you back or something like that. I have shifted, my mind and my heart think differently and feel different, I feel like devoting myself in this way to you three every minute of every day. I find myself thinking about things differently, thinking about YOU guys FIRST, considering YOUR needs first, but it’s not something I am forcing or consciously doing, and I love it. I,  love this feeling of 100% commitment and devotion to my family, I feel like I would truly die for you guys, I feel like if someone EVER tried to harm you, I would do anything to protect you at all costs. And I know in my heart of hearts, to the core of everything in me I would never, ever do anything that harmed you guys or put our family in jeopardy again!…  There are still hard times for sure, I had a few difficult times on the trip. The night I was crying, and being stupid, I was being selfish. I felt like I needed your attention and affection at that time, I let MY feelings get the best of me, and did not just examine the situation logically and make a more wise choice. Some of the other smaller things, I mean I know this is mostly a joke, but it still kills me to hear about you “wanting” to be with other guys. I did my best to go a long with it, and I know I have no right at all to tell you what to do, no matter what I want, so I did not say anything. Coming to terms with our current situation, and what you want of me right now is the hardest thing…the not knowing, sometimes feeling like you have already moved on, or are heading in that direction. It’s the hardest because of where I am at, and how I feel towards you guys. I told you I hate myself one night, I guess more acuratelu I hate that person I was. He harmed you, he possibly destroyed the chance of having my family intact and in a place where I can take care of them, I do surely hate that person, with a vengeance. And now we have to deal with the after math. So there are down times, but there are more and more happy times as times goes on, and as I become the person I want and feel I am meant to be… Watching our babies play on the beach, and just have fun, haha, there is literally nothing in this world, and I mean God damn nothing I would trade that for… Now, the good times you and I had… 🙂 first of all, you are so indescribably beautiful to me. You are so unlike anyone I have ever seen, your eyes, when you smile, the way you look at me, it just literally melts me instantly. You are nearly impossible to look away from, if you wouldn’t call me a creep for staring, I would… Apryl, you are the most beautiful women I will ever see in my life, hands down, I don’t even see other women anymore. Ok, mushy stuff out of the way, I had the most fun with you, I can’t believe this amazing person has been right under my nose this whole time…. You make me laugh like I haven’t in a LONG time, I loved just having a drink with you, and sitting and bullshitting. I love how you give me a hard time, I love how we make a hell of a team taking care of those babies, I love how we work through little problems throughout the day. Most of all, I love seeing you have fun, relax, and enjoy life, it brings me so much joy.  I hope you take the last week as a glimpse of the life I want for our family. And a glimpse of the man I want to be. I know that I still have some issues to work through, communication, letting you in, being vulnerable, trusting you. But I am EXCITED to learn how to work through these issues with counseling, and vow to never stop being the man you saw on this trip, and more. So, I really did have the most amazing time of my life, I am excited about life, about being a dad, about hopefully one day being the best husband I can be. I am excited about what is to come. I have not forgotten nor will it what I have done, and the pain I have inflicted. But I will strive every single day to earn the trust and love that I have lost back, not only from you, but your family and ftiends. I love your family like my own, but I realize I have lost all respect and trust, it’s daunting to think of what it will take to earn it back, but I am so ready to start. I am here, ready to start my life and take control of it.

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