Since I was old enough to realize what life was about, I had been raped, and drugged from ages 5 to 15 years old to the point I was in the hospital almost dead, (raped by my Father) also I had realized that my family wanted nothing to do with me, “Always ignoring me, Finding ways, or people, to keep me out of the home, Never taking me anywhere, Never giving me a birthday party”. I had always wondered why, or what I had done to make my family not want anything to do with me. I had boyfriend’s, Went to school, Had Friends, some fake Friends, some true Friends, I have been used for money, I have been used to make other’s jealous in relationships, like most normal kid’s, and teenagers. Anyways, I have had 14 major surgeries per foot, the only person that was there was my best friend and his mother, after that I became Pagan, started to only care about myself, I didn’t care about what anyone did to me anymore, because i was use to feeling invisible. I am 22 years old now. I’m Engaged to a great man, I was not use to getting attention until I got together with him, and now I feel even more like a horrible person, because I want so much attention from him, It makes him feel Restricted, but i don’t mean to make him feel that way, so it makes me feel like an awful person. All I want is for him to be happy with me, so I need to learn that someone is paying attention to me now, that I don’t have to constantly want it, or get mad when I don’t get it every once in a while… But from where I have not had attention all of my life I have taken advantage of it, and I just want to prove to my Fiance that, I really truly do love him, and it’s not just because of the attention.
I have recently had a miscarriage at 7 months pregnant with our little girl, her name is Kayleigh James Winans, she was beautiful, Even if I had just seen her in Ultrasounds, she was our first Beautiful Little angel. We were so excited to hold her and give her all of our love, we were ready for the life change, even if we were only 22, and 23 years old.
I was so ready to give our baby girl the life that I never had, Show her the world, teach her what she needed to learn, (As I had to learn on my own the hard ways), Play games, Read her bedtime stories, Sing to her while rocking her in my arms, showing her that her mommy and daddy love her more then anything in this cruel messed-up world. I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed to have successful, Happy life. She meant the world to me and her father, Even inside the womb. She caused me pain, and I was so happy to feel that pain, because it let me know that she was healthy and that she was doing okay. Now that we lost her it sent me and her daddy in a depression hole… that I’m not sure we can escape from, because if we do, we still know that, WE will never know what it was going to be like having Kayleigh James. But we do know, She will never have to suffer in this Awful thing we call life.