I need to learn to be truly selfless. I have barely scraped the surface, yeah I helped out on the trip, I try and think about you guys before myself etc. but I have not been truly selfless. I have not placed your needs ahead of my own yet. I still put my feelings on you, I still expect you to give me what I want/need in that moment. When you say something nice or positive, I still feel gratified inside. I’m still in some twisted way making this about me. I am trying to rush you, expecting you to do things I want to do, expecting you to talk to me whenever I want you to, getting drunk and acting selfish and manipulative… Last week was great, but I was not being as selfless as I told myself I was being. I think at this point, complete selflessness would be to have hope and faith, and let you go… Selflessness at this point should look like me working on myself, preparing, and waiting for you, for when you are ready, if that time comes. Coming to terms with IF is also something I need to do… If I love you like I say, let you be, if I want to be here for you like I say, do in the way you need right now, don’t force myself on you, if I truly care, be a man emotionally and control myself. Replace hate with understanding, sorrow with hope, pain with dedication and perseverance, learn to be vulnerable and accountable to myself first and foremost. Be ready.