Sleepless Thought #1

Another day set to waste.


Since our last phone call, we both agreed to give her time to ‘rethink’ her life priorities. But now I realized I’ve been waiting for her for way too long. Since the start of our friendship to the times she promised to come back from her soul-searching break. Now that I came to think of it, what kind of boyfriend allows her girlfriend to ‘rethink’ her relationship? Answer: a very patient one.


I wanted her to use this break to foster her own growth. After all, we all accelerate at full speed when we know where we’re headed. She’s been lost long enough to lose sight of where to go, and hopefully this break will help her regain perspectives. Boy, am I gambling with my own heart?


For the most part of the relationship, I was the one holding it together, both through good & bad times. The relationship was good at first, no, it was all-around perfection. We fell in love, with each other, with each other’s interests, with each other’s insecurities. We vowed to be each other’s certainty.


And then came her graduation. She started to drift apart, going away on mindless trips to endless hope of finding herself… only to get her self esteem inflated by the wrong crowd of friends. It was not a great sight to see when my¬†girlfriend was losing herself, and I’ve done everything to help but came up short.


The fact that she continued to hang out with the guy who almost kissed her disgusts me to the bone. The fact that she agreed to do an impromptu yoga pose with him filled me up with rage. How could she be so mindless? Where did her manners go?


She kept breaking promises. Skype dates ceased to happen. Phone calls became vain wishes. Yet, every time I went on her Facebook, she still made time for other people. She claimed to be struggling with personal issues – why can’t she come to me for help? For a pair of shoulders? For a mental shelter?


As if all the signs are pointing to the hint of cheating.


But my faith has me convinced otherwise.


I’m torn.


She used to have goals so high that pushed her beyond her physical limits & humbled her soul. She was a sweet gal, an attentive girlfriend, a heartwarming daughter. Now she goes out every weekend looking for distractions. Distractions from what? Distractions from the very problems that the distractions bright forth. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’ve shed light to it for her countless times. Yet she refused to listen. I’ve really tried, but there’s nothing I could do. It’s beginning to look darker every time I picture us together.


If she can’t even stand this test of self esteem, I doubt she could stand the test of time for a long distance relationship.


It seems that the clock is ticking. It’s counting down. That time is near. I know what to do about it, about this relationship, but the thought of it is seriously haunting me. My mind is running on a cartwheel of desperation.

Leave a Comment: