Steps to Becoming the Other Girl

1. get drunk
excuse your behavior
with the confidence of intoxication
growing with each burning shot of desire
pretend it was an accident
you drunkenly forgot about the girlfriend
barely knew she existed in the first place
you would’ve never done it sober

2. lie
say it won’t happen again
that the 6am walk home was driven by
tell everyone you didn’t spend the night
tell him you know it wasn’t right
tell yourself you didn’t have a good time
pretend everything is okay
you never felt his touch
you don’t notice him walk into a room

3. do it again
dress yourself with him in mind
straighten your hair
wear red lipstick
and a low cut shirt
dance with him when your favorite song plays
let your fingers wander
keep blaming it on the whiskey
drink extra for good measure
forget about the people around you
forget to move his hands back up to your waist
forget to object this time
don’t apologize in the morning

4. ignore your feelings
you held his hand only because you were scared
pretend not to notice the way he protects you
form the strangers you pass on the city street
at 2am
you curled into him to sleep only because you
were cold
pretend not to notice the way he held you
even after you woke up the next morning
don’t you dare let yourself feel
when you know he doesn’t feel for you

5. slip up
let yourself feel
let your friend convince you to stop lying
tell him that you care more than you should
that the shittiest thing about it
is that it doesn’t make you feel shitty anymore
allow yourself to hope he’ll respond by saying
he only wants you
cringe when he responds with the word fuck
reluctantly agree to set boundaries

6. blame yourself
remember that you didn’t have to tell him
tell yourself that you could’ve kept it going
if you had held it in
he could have ended up with you
you were the one who fucked up
you are the seductress that can’t win him over
you are second to her
the girl he really loves
keep telling yourself you were only worth sex
to him
then tell yourself none of this is true
go back and forth
this is a never ending game
you get no time outs
you get no breaks
you will always lose

7. be just friends
you will fall for him
even in the absence of his touch

8. relapse
don’t talk about it the next morning

9. don’t talk at all
tell yourself this is the only way
every time his absence makes you cry
write a poem instead
realize you’re still searching for step 10

10. i’m still craving his touch
i miss his voice
and the way he looked at me
i don’t want to be the other girl

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