Was it worth it?

Tonight, I was sitting here in this damn trailer that the kids love so much for some reason, and watching my little babies run around like crazy, playing with the cat and just non stop laughing. I was laughing so hard with them, but then my laughter turned to tears(ya I know…), I got to looking around, I’m in a trailer, you aren’t here, and the first question I asked myself was “was it worth it?” Was what I did, worth making my babies have to bounce back and forth between their parents? Was it worth losing the respect of a family I love so dear? Was it worth losing you? And was it worth losing the opportunity to be a good, loyal and honorable man? I wanted to scream the answer at the top of my lungs… FUCK NO!!!! Doesn’t even begin to answer that question. So, what’s done is done, the past is cemented, and I can’t go back. Wallowing in self pitty will get me absolutely no where, with anyone including myself. The future is unwritten, and I am keeping it full of hope. Hope for a better life for my family and I. I see us as this unit sort of, this whole made up of 4 parts, it’s broken right now. You have held us together incredibly for almost 6 years, as I have said, it amazes me. But I feel like it’s time for me to step up. It’s time to grow up, be committed, be a dad and the damn best one I can be at that. It’s time to be STRONG. You have been strong for me since the day I met you, but it’s my turn, I need to be there for you, however you need me to be. It’s time to be responsible, and get myself together. It’s time to be an adult, emotionally and in every other way. I am ready to take life seriously, I’m ready to take this family seriously. I am going to study and memorize the marriage vows, and know them inside and out, because if I ever get the chance to recite those to you again, it will be the last time I ever say those words in my life, they will be written in stone in my heart. I just can’t fathom the person that said those words, on that perfect day, and didn’t take them seriously… You have slowly started opening up to me the last few nights, I can’t imagine how hard this must be, I know I had no empathy for you in the beginning of this, but please know now, I bare your pain, it crushes me to hear the things you have told me recently, I have never felt that kind of devastation EVER. I know my words, especially over text do nothing to ease your pain. But when I tell you I am here, always and forever, I mean I am here to bare that pain WITH you. Never again will I leave you stranded to fend for yourself. Ever. Tomorrow, I am going to talk to my counselor about the past week and a half, I am going to be totally honest about all the weak moments I had, where I threw my feelings on you. I will evolve, and be the man you need me to be. I will find away to ease your pain, if I could take it all away, even if it meant putting it on myself I would, but I think together, if I can earn a tiny slice of trust from you, we can at least start to face this together. Until then, I am here for you, in any way you need. I will continue to work on myself, and becoming truly selfless. You serve as my role model for this. I love you three, so much. I truly did not know I was capable of loving something like I love my family.

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