Because I’m losing it and don’t know where else to turn….

I’ve decided to start spilling my guts to strangers online. I’ve been holding it all in for too long, and I feel like I’m starting to go crazy.

I used to rant, vent, bitch, etc. on Facebook, about every little thing that bothered me. Even if it was just a passive-aggressive emoticon, I wanted to world to know how I’m feeling. But then I realized that out of my 300-something friends/aquaintances/coworkers/random kids that I don’t recall ever actually befriending, not one of them really gives a shit. And besides, my newsfeed was always flooded with ignorance and religious bullcrap (“Like this if you love Jesus! Keep scrolling if you’re a godless heathen that eats babies and supports the gays!”) I haven’t been on facebook in almost a month now.

I used to talk to my friends, but I’ve been steadily pushing them away. Actually, the only person I  really used to talk to was Katie, my best friend since 7th grade. But I haven’t spoken to her in god knows how long, and besides, she has her own problems. We’re both adults, but she’s doing the “adult” thing better than I am. Sure, her job sucks and doesn’t pay very well. But she’s married and has her own house, and all that jazz. Even so, I’m sure she’s tired of me. Her texts were getting shorter and shorter, and less frequent, so I’ve decided to stop trying.

Then I tried confessing my sins/spilling secrets on various “anonymous secrets” websites. But it’s kind of hard to spill all the dirt in 400 characters or less. And besides, one doesn’t simply write an abbreviated version of their angst without the trolls commenting with “YOU DESERVE IT, BITCH!” and “lol your mom”.

I just really want to let it all out, feed it to the universe. Not bottle it all in. I don’t really care if anyone comments on what I have to say. I just want to express myself, without my friends apathetically going “Aww, well I’m here if you need me.” and my mother going “Well, maybe if you went to church…” and my dad going “Have you considered going back to school and bettering yourself and you suck at life?”

I have a boyfriend named Glenn. I love him and he insists that I tell him things. He’s probably the first boyfriend that I’ve ever had that has taken any interest in what I have to say or how I really feel. But there are just some things that I feel like I can’t talk to him about. Even when it concerns him. For example, his friend Krista. I hate that girl with the fire of a thousand suns. He and Krista met on OKCupid and used to fuck. But of course, he had to introduce Kuh-rista to all of his friends, and since she’s so fun and quirky and bla blah blah (I REALLY HATE THAT BITCH.), they all took a liking to her and now they’re all just pally-wally and it’s all just swell and dandy. Krista decided that she no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with Glenn, but they’re still friends. They still hang out. She’s still part of the clique. And I fucking hate that. And I hate knowing that she’ll hump anything with a pulse, and that if I should end things with Glenn, she’ll be right back on it. But of course, I can’t tell Glenn this. The other night, while talking on the phone, I flew off the handle and told Glenn that hey, I don’t like the idea that my boyfriend used to fuck a fat, blue-haired midget with busted teeth. Sure, it wasn’t nice of me. But that’s how I feel. He didn’t get mad at me, but he insisted that I “respect” her. So, I’m just going to keep my real feelings on that to myself, and just bite my tongue and bear the fact that they’re still bestest besties. (Really. The thought of it makes me want to put my fist through a window.)

But aside from the whole my-boyfriend-is-still-friends-with-all-of-his-exes thing, I just feel like I can’t really talk to him like I used to. I still love him, but lately, I’ve been feeling…..just strange. Just last week I was so head-over-heels in love that my heart felt like it would burst, and that at the snap of my fingers I would pack up my life and start anew in Florida with him. But these past few days….I’ve been feeling apathetic. It’s like a sparkler that fizzled out. I really hope that this is just a passing funk, or a really bad case of PMS, and that I’m not legitimately falling out of love with him. These are the kinds of things that I just can’t talk to him about.

And since I have nowhere else to empty my mind to….Here I am. Hello, strangers.

2 thoughts on “Because I’m losing it and don’t know where else to turn….”

  1. Hey Dear,

    Sorry for the circumstances under which we’re talking-sounds like stuff’s getting pretty rough over there.

    The only suggestion I have for your feeling apathetic in this relationship is this:

    You may very well be in love with your boyfriend still-but you might be exhausted in trying to keep it together when you’re really not okay with what is going on. Pretending to be OK when you aren’t is HARD, and requires so much energy. You could just be tired of it all.

    Ultimately it comes down to a decision following this question: Do you think you will be able to continue in this relationship knowing how things are, and seeing his unwillingness to change?

    You have to choose. Are you willing to sacrifice your comfort to stay in this relationship? If you choose to love, and decide to take a risk and be ‘respectful’ or even attempting to be kind to this ‘ex’ you would be stating that you are willing to change.

    Something needs to change-either you will continue down this road and it will lead to a blowup that leads to a breakup, you will confront Glen and he will make a sacrifice or he won’t and you will breakup, or you will be the one to change and decide that this love you have for Glen is worth the discomfort you have towards this ‘ex’.

    However I do warn you, if you chose to be the one who changes. You have to actually make efforts to change, and you have to let go of your hatred for this ‘ex’ for the sake of moving forward.

    I wish you all the best!! <3

    -A

  2. Thank you, A, for actually taking the time to read my rant, and thank you for the advice. I think, for now, I’m going to try to work through this. I really do love him and he treats me right, and I don’t want to just let that go. And I am willing to *try* my hardest to at least tolerate his ex…so far, he really hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him and part of a healthy relationship is trust. I’ve just been in so many *bad* relationships that trust is a difficult thing for me. On top of that, I go through “episodes”…sometimes they’re depression, sometimes, I feel manic. (I haven’t actually been diagnosed professionally, but I suspect that I may be bipolar.) Again, getting all of that out and having somebody actually *read* it makes me feel a bit better, like a little weight is off of me. Thanks again. 🙂

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