Envy

I’ve never had a love story,
it’s always been something more
tantalizing,
something greener,
looking at the object of my affections I feel not love
but lust,
bloodlust,
not towards those who hold the love but towards
the universe,
as if somehow my envy will give me strength to
fight God and all his creation,
that moment is an invitation to tear down every
nation without hesitation,
and yet I don’t.
My blind greed–
greed?
I deserve you don’t I?
Why wouldn’t I?
I tried so hard all my life,
to carry this balancing act of ‘I’m okay alone’
and ‘but I’ll stilly try’
a grand deception etched into my soul,
covers up parts of me I can no longer remember,
a lifetime of longing will only being sadness,
and yet I sit here,
behind steel bars,
the chains of what little rationality I have left
firmly affixed to my limbs,
because the cold metal knows something I don’t,
it has grown used to the transformation,
the metamorphosis from girl to monster,
from sanity to madness,
from serenity to rage,
from complete to shattered.
From love to envy.
Yes, the chains learned,
and good thing they did,
because a heart can never change,
yet there’s a spark of hope,
that’s the heart’s job,
to keep hope alive,
but the heart is a fool.
A tool spooning gooey emotions to the brain,
an attempt in vain to spare the pain and break
the chains,
but envy reigns.
My green god tells me where to go and what
to think and what to feel,
maybe I should resent such a thing,
a ‘monster’,
but I am her
and her is me,
we’re bound in life eternally,
until the day my brain might see,
that happiness is like a tree.
The trunk is like a column made of strength,
the leaves, they are all the moments of hard work,
and the fruit is just that,
the final product.
So all happiness is made of is strength and hard
work?
Hardly.
Beneath the tree,
hidden and forgotten,
it’s life support,
that which has driven it to success since
it’s roots,
bloodsuckers,
draining nutrients from mother earth herself,
taking what it needs to fuel the tree,
and that’s the key to happiness.
You need to take what you want,
no one will give it to you.
And so I worship my green god,
envy is my driving force,
he will bring me happiness,
bring me joy,
wealth,
success,
accomplishment.
Envy will bring me love.

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