My addiction.

Basically from day one, my addiction has played a negative roll in our relationship. I lied to you about it all the time, his things from you, spent the tiny amount of money you made for us on it, and then down played it and tried to make you feel stupid for making it a big deal. I never truly opened up to you about it, I was never honest, I think I knew if I was, it would come to an end. That’s addiction, even though you know the devastation it causes, you love it, you WANT to keep it. You choose it over everything else. And that’s what I have done. Daily routine for me: wake up, first thing on my mind is my first dose, but I can’t take them RIGHT when I wake up or they won’t work right, even tho I feel like shit, I wait 30-45 minutes, during this time until it kicks in I’m useless, and ALL I’m thinking about is that dose. Once it finally kicks in, I would retreat to my iPad or phone or whatever, smoke cigarette after cigarette(increases the high) drink my coffee, and be turned off to the world for an hour or more.after that I feel ok physically, but once the high would wear off, I would instantly start thinking about my next dose, which if I could pull it off, was 4 hours after the previous dose, which didn’t always happen, was dependent on how much I had. So the in between periods of dosing look like this: a constant count down till my next dose. Basically consumes my thoughts, constantly looking at the clock, doing anything just to make time go by faster, tho never fully engaged in it. Then when it came time for the next dose, no matter what, I would find a way to take them, get back to my iPad, smoke as many cigarettes as I could, and drink something(usually coffee or energy drink). This was my ritual. If for some reason I was unable to perform it, I was “devastated” and would be pissed. If anything attempted to interrupt it or cut it short, I would get infuriated inside. This is the reason I always wanted to go to work so early, to have time for this ritual before work. And then again and again during work. During my lunch, before lunch, and then after work. I would take them usually on my way home, this gave me about 10-15 minutes to get settled and prepared for this “ritual” and the majority of the rest of my night was dedicated to this… If for some reason they didn’t work, which happened often because I would take them too often, I was again devastated, would still a lot the same amount of time to this ritual, in hopes they might work. When they didn’t, the count down to the next dose was even more anticipated, and I was even more withdrawn… This was my daily, hourly, minute to minute routine. Even on Suboxone, my thoughts, what I did, my mood and emotion, all consumed by taking my dose, and performing this ritual. It didn’t matter where we were(your parents, my dads, the beach, our house, friends house), it consumed me AT ALL TIMES. With a minute to minute routine like this, it leaves very little for anything else, obviously.this is why I never wanted to go to lunch, dinner, the park, I was consumed by this 100%, I wanted to be ready at all times to do what I wanted to do, which was dose, and perform this stupid ritual. And the times when I didn’t have that many, or none, I was usuless. All I thought about was when I would be able to take that first dose again. That’s it. Nothing else mattered. I never let you in, or opened up because then you would know my secrets, and I may have to give it up then. I didn’t want to. This is my addiction, and I loved it and wanted it.

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