I arrived back in town early morning yesterday, after a 800 mile drive with one rest stop to sleep in a makeshift car fort off the highway near Columbus.
It’s good to be back…in more way than one.
Something I’ve definitely learned about myself through this trip is that I had been depressed. Likely, for over a year and a half. I didn’t realize it.
I think the reason I hadn’t realized it is because most think of depression as “unable to get out of bed.” I was able to get out of bed. So, surely, I was OK — right?
My passion wasn’t there.
My interests waned.
And try as I did, I couldn’t force myself to care for myself.
I have definitely improved in the past six months (swim training, karaoke league, volleyball, etc) but it was a slow and steady return. I still wasn’t interested in many things: not even traveling sounded like fun.
Knowing something was missing, I would use tarot cards to try to gain insight into myself. (I love tarot cards, by the way. Whether you believe in the magic or not, it is a great way to gain a deeper insight into your subconscious.) The culmination of events “on my current path” was always disappointing.
Then, as I said, the universe gave me a kick in the ass.
Lightning from the sky.
I quit my job at the Y and went to New York for a month.
Suddenly, now, I’m back. And so is the spark in my heart.
I want to hike mountains. I want to make more music, learn to bake amazing pastries, and never sleep, never stop! I want to bar tend. I want to finish my novel. I want to backpack through South America.
I would like to keep my journal positive, but look around at how people treat you. However that is, you begin to believe you deserve it. If that is negative: Walk on. Never, ever buy in to what that person is selling you.
I feel amazing, and life is full of possibility.
I love myself again.