Who am I?

Sometimes, I wish I had someone to talk to.  As I sit on my couch, in the middle of another silent stand-off between my husband and me, I just wish I had someone to fucking talk to.

I feel like I’ve changed so much from who I was 6 years ago.  It’s like I don’t even recognize myself.  I wonder.. Does anyone recognize me anymore?

How does someone get so lost along the way? How do you lose touch with who you are?  If I don’t know who I am anymore, who the hell would?

I have a vicious love for my husband.  Vicious.  I would not have picked anyone else on this earth to go through life with.  So, is it normal that I sometimes wish for the comfortable quiet of the time before we knew each other?  I feel like silence in this house comes with anger.  Silence used to be a wonderful thing for me, like a calming wave that would settle over me and ease my anxieties.  Silence no longer calms me.  In this house, where there is silence, there is anger.  And this quiet always seems to come when I need someone the most.  I am almost used to it, now.  I can almost anticipate the moment that my anxiety will no longer stay within the confines of my mind, when it breaks lose and I open up to speak to someone about it.  Then boom! Out of nowhere, arguments and anger.  Then, the silence.  When all I need is that confidante I thought I had.

My best friend is moving soon. By the end of the year. I don’t know what I’ll do without her less than a mile down the street.  Although, I’m not entirely sure even SHE recognizes who I am these days.

Maybe it’s all in my head, but every time I try to talk with my husband about things that are closest to my heart, I feel like I get shut down.  My anxieties are made to seem so small and so silly.  I turn to him and say “My best friend is moving away” and there are no questions like, “Are you ok?”, “How does this make you feel?”. No “Oh no!”, “I’m sorry to hear this”, not even a “Man, that sucks!”.

I get the response I least need.. “Well, that will be the end of them”.  “They won’t make it in that town”, etc. etc.

My anxieties are riding my thoughts relentlessly.  I need someone to talk to about losing my best friend.

Yet, there is no talking in this house tonight.  Just the snoring of the animals and a blaring TV that I believe he uses to drown out his own guilty thoughts.  I have to believe that just a tiny part of him feels bad about making me hurt.  Or, maybe he doesn’t even realize how much it bothers me.  OR.. maybe, just maybe, I’m too fucking sensitive.  Maybe this is just how a man’s brain works.  I really just don’t know.

Regardless, this house will remain silent. And we will go to bed angry at one another. Again.  And I will have no one to share my demons with, because the world continues to revolve, even when I am paralyzed.  And I dare not speak to anyone about this because they will think the worst about my situation.  Or believe that my husband is a monster when I know that he is not.

So, I will again let the once comfortable silence consume me.  Until I worry myself to sleep yet another night.

What happened to me? Where did that person that I was 6 years ago run off to? I used to be so strong. I have no answers to my questions.  Only more silence.

 

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