disappointment and regret collide..

I am a person who accepted only half-heartedly whoever I am right now. I finished a course that I didn’t want – my family want it for me. But I know it is really too late to say these things and to feel this way. It is already my second year of teaching now. And I know I can do my job well. But of course, there are still some time when I feel like it is so hard to adjust to a place where you’re not supposed to be in. On the other hand, I sometimes feel the so-called “self-fulfillment”. I finished BSE, Major in Filipino (so, I am supposed to be teaching Filipino subject in high school). But I was given a load to teach in grades 4, 5 and 6 – Araling Panlipunan (Social Studies) from the first year I teach til the present. I am interested with History and a bit of Science so, by that, there’s really nothing wrong with me teaching AP.

I’ve been having a headache since last week. I’m so pressured with my job now. I can’t finish the tasks that they have piled up already!

I always have a lot of paper works to do since I have to give the students their quizzes once in a while. So, almost everyday I check papers and record the scores. That’s normal to teachers. But what’s not normal is that, when I’m working with the first batch of tasks like recording the grades, checking and giving the scores, another heavy tasks will come along (usually the course outline for the next quarter).. and since it is/they are given to me, I have to work on it to pass it on the deadline. And, Most often than not, they can’t give us the ample time to do the tasks!

When I was still a college student, reading random books, stories, writing poems and essays were some of my hobbies. But I am not able to do these since I entered the field of teaching. yeah, I know.. I’m not spoiling my job. I have no intention to condemn teaching. I actually believe that this is the noblest profession. That, this is one of the the most sacrificial jobs in the world.. no, I am just feeling really stressed and so burned out but I still can’t see enough “worth it” results.

Like now, I feel unsure with such stuff. Most of the children in this generation don’t have interest in studying. Even in reading or doing their simple assignments.. Though I’ve been doing my very best because that’s what I want for the students.. I just feel like whatever I do and however I give much effort, I still can’t give them the “A”. yes. FRUSTRATED I am. I’ve been.. I sometimes think if should I be for this world/field..? Oh.. I just really hate it when I need to do things as fast as it should [not] be like..

I know. It is really stressful.

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